|Monarch butterfly cocoon|
I'm living in a foreign country right now. I'm living here alone. This is a complete reversal for me. In general, I am accustomed to being surrounded by people I know and love at pretty much all times. Here I am alone. It's just me. That's it.
I don't like it.
Don't get me wrong. The country is interesting and new and sometimes very exciting. But here as I am nearly always alone, I am directly confronted with myself. All of my weaknesses, all my fears, all of my insecurities, and all of my longings are bared before me. It's awkward.
This might seem strange to many of you and probably old news to many more of you, but I am a perfectionist. No, I don't keep my room neat. Yes, I do procrastinate. I am a very specific sort of perfectionist. I am a perfectionist when it comes to personal behavior, particularly my own. (No, this is not a recent epiphany. I have been aware of this for some time.)
I don't allow myself the luxury of making mistakes. Don't misunderstand. I am not saying that I don't make mistakes. I'm just saying that when I do, and believe me I do, I am extremely hard on myself. I try very hard to be likable. In fact, I think that I might be more afraid of being annoying than I am of being wrong.
Being alone is forcing me to face myself. It's forcing me to face my fears. I wanted it to. Now, it is.
I'm definitely experiencing some serious growing pains right now. But I've decided to take this as an opportunity. This will be my opportunity to surrender my anxieties to Christ and learn to just do my best. That's enough.
The same is true for you. Just do your best. Just be yourself. That's enough.