Sunday, May 18, 2008

Farewell Childhood

Lately, something has changed within my heart. I feel as if another chapter in my life has ended. The last remnants of my childhood are quickly fading. It is a strange feeling, like looking at photograph of your younger self and not recognizing the image before you. It is something akin to visiting a familiar and beloved place, while knowing that you can never return. Each memory, each wound, each gift, each dream, and each place hold something special for me. Similar to looking through a forgotten scrapbook, the experience fills me with nostalgia. Yet, the feeling of nostalgia is countered by a strong sense that the time has come to move on.

It is time for me to put behind my childish selfishness, silliness, pride, laziness, and fear. I understand that this will take a great deal of time, but I know that I can do it. I cannot explain why, but last night I had the feeling that something inside of me had changed forever. In the end, I know that I must learn to be more quiet, less strong willed, more patient, less open about my opinions, especially over trivial matters, more loving, less easily provoked to anger, and more responsible. I must learn not to let my emotions control my decisions and I must learn to use my time wisely and much less selfishly. I hope and pray that I will go through a great transformation. I do not mean to become less myself, but a better version of myself. I seek to be more of a lady and a better soldier for Christ.

This change will, of course, be difficult and slow and I find myself to be overwhelmed by the task. In spite of this, I feel strangely excited, as if I am about to embark on a strange adventure and that it is led by Someone who will not let any harm come to me. Indeed, Christ gently lifts my fears from my shoulders and encourages me to move onward toward something beautiful. There is work that needs doing and He has called me to some of it. Whether I have assistance and support from my loved ones or not, I must trust that He will make things right. Otherwise all that I believe in and stand for would be a lie, making my very existence meaningless. The time has come to take the next step. Another door has closed and there can be no going back. Now, the only way is forward.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008


Each day that passes, I learn something new. I learn from the people around me. I learn about patience, love, courage, wisdom, kindness, perseverance, strength, laughter, endurance, faith, and holiness. With each lesson that I learn I feel something tugging gently on my heart. It whispers to me promises of a secret waiting for me in the future.

I try to peer through the curtain that veils my future, but it is too thick. Still, I cannot wait to know what is hidden. It brings to mind 1 Corinthians 3:1-2 "Brothers, I could not address you as spiritual but as worldly—mere infants in Christ. I gave you milk, not solid food, for you were not yet ready for it. Indeed, you are still not ready." That is how the Lord addresses me when I seek to know what the future holds. Yet, I cannot help but ask.

There is so much that I want to know. What is love? How is it recognized? How can I best serve God? What can I do to learn how to use my faults and my gifts to draw others nearer to Christ? Where will I be in ten years? In four years? In three? Will I have a career? Will I be married? Will I have children? Will I be alive? Will I have all of my senses? Will all of my family be alive? Will I have the same friends?

I have much to look forward to and so many questions. Some days I become so caught up in the whirl of life that when I finally get a moment to be calm and quiet I don't know what to do with myself. My mind quickly becomes filled. Sometimes, I slip away into a quiet world, away from all the noise and chaos. Still, my heart is so full. There are so many things that I hope and long for. It's so difficult to be patient, especially when my heart keeps pulling me toward some strange new future.

Thursday, May 1, 2008


I love wildflowers. They are simple, unassuming decorations in our vast world. Nearly everywhere on land, wildflowers can be found adding fragrance and color to the scene. Seeing these little blossoms almost always brings a smile to my face. Wildflowers remind me of God's great love for us, because it seems to me that He has made them so beautiful just for me. Indeed, it is something akin to receiving a bouquet from Him.

There are many other things that happen in my day that seem to me like a sort of bouquet of wildflowers. For example, when a friend reminds me that he are glad to have me in his life, or when I find a penny on the ground. When I get a good grade on a test or I just barely scrape by with the score that I need, I feel quite blessed. I know that my Jesus is looking out for me and it makes me very happy. I know that He doesn't give me the gifts because I've earned them, but only because He loves me.

This year I have felt especially aware of Christ's love for me. The more I understand about His love, the more I am overcome by a desire to know and love Him more. My heart yearns to love Him better and I rejoice that He can be so gloriously made present, even in my smallness. I am quite an ordinary person, in fact, I can often be annoying and very prideful. Thankfully, Christ does not judge me merely by my own merit. He is so merciful!

I look at my life and cannot find words to express how touched I am by the many blessings spread across it. God's touch is clearly visible in my life. Any good that is seen in me by others is all from Him. As my vices begin to fade, that too is a gift from Him. How can I not rejoice in this great love? I am completely overwhelmed when I contemplate the greatness of His love. No thought, no emotion, no words, no sense, no melody, no painting, nothing is big enough to be a true representation of God's unfathomable love for us. Praise God!