Monday, August 18, 2008

A Frightened Child

When I can't see the road ahead, I become very uneasy. The less I can see, the less sure I am of myself. I become very vulnerable and fragile over silly things. The source of my weakness is, of course, my insistence on depending upon my own strength. I'm afraid to lean on other people because I fear being a nuisance, being considered absurd, or just be brushed aside. It is easier to keep quiet about my troubles, or at least to downplay them.

I don't lean on God because I am too prideful. Oh that I had the humility to trust Him completely! Still I keep Him at arms length until I am most vulnerable and sometimes even then I am trying to carry myself. I am too stubborn. I don't like to admit when I get hurt and I don't like change.

I try very hard to deal with the things life throws at me as they come, but it just isn't my forte. What it comes down to is that I do need support from others, especially God. At these times that I feel so vulnerable, even though I know that I'm being ridiculous, I just need to know that things are going to be ok and that I'm still loved.

Just as one comforts a frightened child, I believe that we need to comfort each other. In that moment, when I child is scared because he or she believes that there are monsters under the bed, it doesn't matter whether or not the fear is rational or well-founded. The only thing that matters is that the child is scared. I'll try to remember that when others are scared or anxious about small troubles.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to really let go completely of my pride and my fear during this life. In the mean time, though, I'll just keep working at being more up front with people about my worries, without downplaying them, and letting others help me through my rough times. I'll also be working on being more aware of when others might need me to be more sensitive to what troubles they're experiencing. Then I'll try to find my way back to the "garden" and maybe bring some of my loved ones along with me. =)

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Come to the Garden

Gardens are so wonderful. Flowers are one of my favorite things. One day I'm going to have a wonderful flower/herb garden all of my own. There is just something so special about them. They're like an outdoor shrine to the greatness of our Creator. Such exquisite beauty in each plant and each are so unique.

St. Therese of Lisieux based a bit of her theology off of the lessons to be learned from a garden. As a summary of her life says, "She loved flowers and saw herself as the "little flower of Jesus," who gave glory to God by just being her beautiful little self among all the other flowers in God's garden." We are all in God's garden and we are called live out our role as the specific "flower" we are.

This analogy is a great comfort to me when I am confronted with my own smallness and weakness. For my strengths are a gift from God and my weakness is irrelevant when I do my best to live for him. Indeed, I am reminded by St. Therese that God has a special place in his heart for His weak and fallen children. What a joy to be counted amongst those for whom there is great rejoicing in Heaven when they return to the fold! When I keep this in mind, there is no longer any fear that I will not be good, eloquent, holy, brave, smart, clever, or patient enough, because I know that God will make up for all that I lack.

These past few days have been ones of anxiety for me. I guess I just lost focus of Him. Life gets crazy very fast, sometimes. It's easy to get caught up in all of the small troubles and different obligations. This world is an ideal one to catch people up into its hustle and bustle, especially if one isn't guarded against it. I find that it is becoming increasingly important for me to find a quiet place to reflect, refocus, and recharge. This spiritual garden is, in my opinion, essential to most people, especially me. Quiet moments can truly be such a blessing.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Dance in the Rain

I love rainy days! They're so fun and make me feel like dancing all over the world. It's lucky for me, that we're supposed to get a lot of rain this week. Sometimes, my life is like a rainy day. I expect gloom, shadows, darkness, and overwhelming floods. In spite of the strong indications that things will get rough, God surprises me by creating a opportunity for joy and laughter.

How blessed I am! My life is definitely a work in progress, but throughout my life, whenever things seemed to be going wrong, God turns things around and transforms everything. He has blessed me in so many ways. I know that He is guiding and protecting me. Every longing of my heart has been answered in Him. I know that He is watching all of my loved ones too. He cares for them and has brought them into my life. Each friend and family member has been such a treasure. I have learned so much from them and I hope to continue learning from them.

Over the years I have slowly learned a bit more about humility, about self confidence, loving myself the way God made me, increasing my prayer life, taking people where they're at, enduring through harsh times, performing acts of mortification, and allowing myself to just enjoy life, while staying focused on Christ. Have I mastered these things? Not even close, but through the example of my family and friends I have an idea of where to start. It is such a gift to know so many wise and holy people in my life. Good people are certainly cause for joy and there are, without a doubt good people in this world. Praise God for the good people and allow them to lead you to Him. Good people are not put in your life by accident.

Life is beautiful and friends are the music to dance with when it rains. They lift me up to Christ and fill my life with joy. To any of my loved ones who read my blog, thanks for being such a gift. ^_^

Monday, August 4, 2008

Weep No More, Sad Fountains...

Some days are just overwhelming. Life seems to come at you from every angle, determined to break you down. Little troubles can sometimes chip away at your confidence like sand does to the great pyramids. How quickly little troubles can seem large, even without you being aware of it.

For me, today was such a day. All in all, not a bad day, but certainly a rough one. I had high points that were really lovely, but overall I was left with a feeling of weariness. How silly it is that I let such small things trouble my soul and yet I do. Still, I am hopeful.

Tomorrow is a new day and one full of promise. I will be able to receive Jesus in my soul through Holy Communion and with God's grace I will be able to face my little crosses with joy and humility. As always, I ask for prayers.