Wednesday, April 16, 2008


Liturgical abuses make me angry. It makes no sense for them to exist because those who are allowing them have nothing to gain from them. They are leaders in their Church community who are entrusted with upholding the liturgy and leading the faithful closer to Christ. To abuse that position in no way glorifies them, by worldly or spiritual standards.

As if this isn't enough, we the faithful do nothing to change it. We complain, we argue, we grieve, but we don't do anything! How long can we stand watch without taking action?

What are we doing? Why aren't we fighting?

Our savior, Jesus Christ, died for us, He sits in the tabernacles throughout the world, alone, for us. He waits for us. Why do we allow this to continue. The more that these abuses continue, the worse I feel about myself. How can I go to Him each day at Mass and receive Him in Holy Communion, but still do nothing to end the abuses against Him.

How can I be so apathetic when He has done so much for me?

Sunday, April 13, 2008


Do we ever get to old to dream? Some days, I find myself wishing I were far away, in some strange place where anything could happen. Throughout my life I have encountered places where I felt as if anything was possible. Some places hold a sort of magic that allow me to forget the real world and drift innocently into a world where childhood dreams return to linger. All of the cares of the world fade away and like a silly little girl, I take hold of daydreams and let them lead me into the world of impossible. Perhaps this is a clear sign that I've read to many fairy tales, but I don't really care. There is a part of me that loves to wander down strange paths in a dark woods. The call of adventure and wonder sings to my heart and I gladly follow.

I enter and entirely different realm than that of reason. In this "land" I can be anything and do anything. There are no limits in this strange place. I can travel anywhere, see anyone, be anyone, and say anything. Secrets don't exist, nor does worry. All the fears and cares of this world melt away and I can have the answers which so often allude me. In this world I can follow any road without hesitation, because if it doesn't lead where I intend, I can easily abandon that road for another. All of the movie and book clich├ęs can exist without being absurd. Life is much more simple. The answers are always clear and complications handle themselves.

In this place I can always just be me, because no one misunderstands. Every now and then, it is fun to wander back and visit the dreams of my childhood, but they do not keep my interest as long as they used to because they create in my heart a longing for things to happen. The dreams of my childhood cause the dreams of adulthood to awaken, which is not bad, but certainly makes it more difficult for me to be patient.

Once upon a time, I longed for castles in the sky with faeries, great adventures, a prince, and a happily ever after. It was a time when the good guys would always win and the bad guys learned their lesson. I couldn't err because I always knew what I was supposed to do. I would imagine falling in love, which was easy because their was no concern over the future. After all, it was only make believe and I could always return to my simple childhood under the protection of my loving parents.

Now those dreams have, for the most part, faded and new dreams take there place. These new dreams are much more simple and not nearly as dramatic. They are much more practical, but that makes them more difficult to do without. Thankfully, I can leave them in the care of Christ. Dreams of love and a home are in His hands, as is my heart. For a long time I worried about whom to entrust my heart to, but one day I finally washed my hands of the whole business and decided that if anyone wanted my heart, he would have to work it out with Christ on how to win it. Christ has my heart, my dreams, and hopes for the future.

As for the rest, I'll just keep dreaming, waiting, working, and praying.

Thursday, April 10, 2008


Life is rushing about me, so quickly. Sometimes, I just can't keep up. I get so easily confused by the events rushing around me. Like the tumultuous waterfall, change stirs up many feelings in my heart. Things which I thought were certain later do not seem to be. Unexpected revelations about myself are ever rising.

I have so much to learn. Often, the result is, for me, confusion. Where do I go from here? My mind races with thoughts on how to respond and how to react. Time alone will tell what the future holds for me. In the mean time, I have no choice but to try and keep up with all that takes place around me.

Sunday, April 6, 2008


Sometimes, I find myself in a spot like that of Job. I trust God, I love Him, and I do my best to live out His will, but for some reason, everything seems to be going wrong anyway. In such times, I become easily discouraged and wonder why such things could be happening. How does this fit into God's plan?

When I am so certain of a plan of action and it fails, I question myself as to what I should do next. It is so discouraging to put forth a great deal of effort to achieve a goal and then fail. My pride is shattered, for I know that most will not see my effort, but only the results. I know that many will question whether I really put forth as much effort as I claim to. More than that, though, I become discouraged with my own incapability to accomplish things.

How could so much work come to naught? Am I not capable, as I should be, to do such a small thing? Overwhelmed and embarrassed by my own incompetence I fear being a source of shame to my family. How can I face them and tell them that I have failed? But when I face those who love me, they do not see it as a failure at all, but a first try. "Try again. It will be alright" they insist.

Oh, but do they not see how much energy the first attempt took? Do they not see how weary I am growing? How can this fit into God's plan? I have to motivation left to try again. Others may not see, but I put forth almost all that I had to make the first effort. I have nothing left to give. Tired and broken, I turn to the Lord and cry out for help.

Then I am reminded of God's loving care. I know that He will not abandon me. Whatever the reason for my trials, I know that He is in control. I have done my best, all else is up to Him. It is in His hands. If He does not bring my labors to fruit, then it simply means that my plan is not His plan. The rest does not matter. I have done my best and He knows. He knows my heart and He knows my wishes. I reconcile myself to His plan by reminding myself that His is the plan that will lead to my greatest happiness. I find all the ways that I might be able to grow from this disappointment and try to implement them.

He is my rock, my sword, and my shield. He is my hope. Apart from Him, I am nothing. He has allowed my to be His beloved daughter, washed clean in His most Sacred Blood, in spite of all my weaknesses. I desire to ever be united to Him. If all else fades away, but I still have Him, then I am happy. As long as I allow Him to help me and guide me, He will not fail to bring about what is best for my happiness. I may not always understand, but that is alright because I'm not the one who needs to. While I trust Him, all will be alright in the end.

So, I take all of my fears and lay them at His feet. I bring my fears of failure, of rejection, or pain, of disappointment, of being an embarrassment to others, of not quite making it, of not being strong enough, and of not getting my way and I surrender them to Him. As I continuously renew this act of surrendering, my anxieties are mine not longer. I have new hope and joy in Him. I wonder at myself for having ever doubted and I laugh at myself because I know that I am likely to doubt again.

But He is ever forgiving and patient. No matter how many times I fail to trust Him, He is always waiting, with open arms, for me. He cares not whether I fall a hundred times or a hundred thousand times, as long as I return to Him, He will welcome me. He does not let my weakness weigh against me for He tempers justice with mercy.

How appropriate then, the analogy of the shepherd and the sheep becomes. As long as we let Him lead us, like sheep blindly following their beloved shepherd, no harm will come to us. It is when we stray that we encounter dangers, but all we need do is cry out to Him and He will rush to our defense. If He allows us to experience hardships, it is with good reason. He is our Good Shepherd. He is our caring Father. Let there be no doubt that, in Him, we are safe. Let us follow the Light and take comfort in Him.