A Gate to the Unknown

Life is constantly changing. There is so much to take in. As elements of my life fly past me in a seemingly endless swirl, there occasionally comes a moment of epiphany. In such moments as this, it seems to me that I must leave something behind in order to continue on this life journey.

I come to a gate that marks the end of one part of my way and the beginning of another. I cannot have both parts. A piece of the child in me grows up a little bit more and I feel the change. Like leaving behind something warm and familiar, this change does not come without some pain.

Yet to avoid the change, to stay in childhood, only hurts more. As I linger to catch the last glimpses of how things were, I am overwhelmed by a sense of no longer belonging. These tender memories of my childhood, these ways of thinking, dreaming, and behaving do not have a place for me. Nor I for them. We must mutually depart from one another. Like a person who has been away from their old haunts for many years, I have become a stranger to my old self.

While I can still vividly recall these lost things, they are like wisps of their former existence. It's a little bit scary for me when I think about it. I am changing. I am growing. More will be expected of me. I will expect more of myself. I need to take more responsibility. I see it and I am frightened by it.

Even so, it is exciting! A new chapter in the book of my life is a special thing. In some small way, it makes me feel important and adventurous. I feel a little bit like anything could happen. Anything is possible and some wonderful awaits me somewhere down that path on the other side of the gate. The beautiful unknown in the untamed beauty of the wild reflects the mysterious twists and turns just beyond my reach on the road ahead of me. How thrilling!

I am, of course, not alone in this journey. My beloved Lord is ever before me. He takes my frail hands and gives them strength. He steadies my clumsy feet and fills me with new energy and zest for this beautiful life, which - hopefully - brings me ever closer to Him. He is the light of my existence and I owe everything to Him. I trust Him because I love Him and because it would just be silly not to. He has carefully laid out special plans for me that will fulfill my deepest longings.

So, whatever happens, I do not really fear the gates to the wondrous unknown future. I often look for them in eager anticipation. Recently, I have come to a new one. I was very unhappy when I first encountered it. I did not want to leave any part of my old self behind. I still have struggles with change. But now, I am beginning to see the beauty and the necessity of that change.

Though the road may be long, hard, and sometimes terrifying, we go on, my sweet Lord and I.

Dizzy Music

If life is a song then mine feels like 'Flight of the Bumblebee' lately. Everything just goes by so quickly. My perception of time begins to become warped and distorted as events rush past my tired self. There is so much that I wish to accomplish and never quite enough time to do it. Even as I remove things from my schedule and regretfully decline invitations from my friends, I find time working against me.

My dad and I were going to plan a garden for the Summer months during my break from school, but as my break nears its end, I doubt that we will have time. Many of my friends will only be in town for a few more days, but I wont get to see them. How quickly time flies!

I am very tired, yet I love this crazy dance that my life often becomes. In and out of the dizzy music, I know the steps and the emotions. The emotions are usually unwelcome, but hopefully I have more or less managed to no longer allow them to control my actions. The steps: pray, rest, pray, slow down, pray, do the best I can, and pray. ^_^

Yeah, basically, prayer is what makes the difference. Still, I feel weary. Dealing with feelings is tough. It's easy to let them overcome my efforts to follow Christ. Being an especially emotional person hardly helps. It makes self-discipline especially challenging. That's where grace comes in. I am absolutely certain that God's grace is what gets me through each day. Without Him, I am nothing. Without Him, I would despair, lose my temper, insist on my own way, eat like a horse, and stay lazily in bed all day every day. He is my partner in this dizzy dance and He has the lead.

I'm not a very good follower in my life dance or in real dancing, but, thankfully, God is a good leader. He is such a good leader that sometimes, I even look like I'm good at this. So, when my days become difficult and my spirit is low, as they begin to seem, God will get me through. Thank God!

The Long Road Ahead

Well, it's been a while since I last updated, but as I am in doubt that this a widely read blog, I believe that this is a fact that affects few other than myself. Still, every now and again, I really feel motivated to post my thoughts to someone. Anyone who cares to hear, within reason. I wonder what it is about me that causes me to turn to an anonymous blog to express my struggles instead of turning to those who I know and interact with. Whatever the reasons for this tendency to hide behind anonymity, here I am again typing out me thoughts.

Sometimes vulnerability comes at me like a slap in the face. I feel secure and safe, then suddenly it's all gone and I just feel alone and unwanted. Usually this isn't because anyone has done anything unkind to indicate that I am no longer welcome, rather (I believe) that it is more closely related to no one doing anything to let me know that I am, in fact, wanted. Of course I'm not trying to say that everyone else was the source of my insecurities. In fact, if that were the case, then I would be insecure much more often. Still, people need to know that they are loved. Just because you love someone dearly, doesn't mean that they know it. You need to constantly remind them in everything you do.

People need to know the good that they bring to others lives. At least, that statement goes for most of the people I've met. Encouragement, kind acts, and nurturing attitudes are crucial to many people's self concept. Feedback from others certainly plays a big part in my self perception. There is much to be said for the lost art of writing notes or letters of encouragement to loved ones. Or even for just surprising someone every now and again by reminding them that you think them something special.

Family and friends are only with you for a relatively short time. Life is fleeting. Now is your chance to make a difference in someone's life. Now is the time to let someone know that you care. Don't hesitate or the moment will pass you by. Don't be afraid, or at least, don't let that fear rule you. Reach out to someone that you love. They are worth it.

Lay Down Your Sweet and Weary Head

I am quite tired today. The last few weeks I have not been a good steward of my time and have ended up with insufficient hours to get much needed rest. The longer I go without good sleep, the less energy I have and the more likely I seem to be to get sick. So this is a public service announcement:

MAKE SURE YOU PUT ASIDE TIME FOR RESTING! ^_^

The Pearl of Great Price

Most things in life are not so fantastic that you would give everything up to keep them present to you. One could hardly say that they treasure everything that greatly. Every now and then, however, you come across some things that are.

In the Bible, Jesus uses the parable of "The Pearl of Great Price" to illustrate the awesomeness of the kingdom of Heaven. We are told that it is like a pearl that is so beautiful and perfect that the merchant will sell all that he has to acquire that pearl. There ought never to be a goal ranked more important than achieving that blessed "pearl". Yet God does not stop there. In addition to having died and risen for our salvation and eternal joy, He also gives us multiple lesser pearls to console us along our own personal Calvary.

Family is one such pearl to me. The value that my family has to me is beyond measure in many ways. I love them more than myself and they love me. I am ever grateful for them. They have taught me so much and I continue to learn from them daily.

Another such pearl is my friends. They have put up with more than most friendships ever get deep enough to handle. They are like a second family to me and certainly have been spiritual guides at many points in my life. They draw me out of myself and unknowingly make me face some of the most difficult truths about myself.

There are more blessing than I can count in my life, and I am so glad that they are here!