Sunday, May 18, 2008

Farewell Childhood

Lately, something has changed within my heart. I feel as if another chapter in my life has ended. The last remnants of my childhood are quickly fading. It is a strange feeling, like looking at photograph of your younger self and not recognizing the image before you. It is something akin to visiting a familiar and beloved place, while knowing that you can never return. Each memory, each wound, each gift, each dream, and each place hold something special for me. Similar to looking through a forgotten scrapbook, the experience fills me with nostalgia. Yet, the feeling of nostalgia is countered by a strong sense that the time has come to move on.

It is time for me to put behind my childish selfishness, silliness, pride, laziness, and fear. I understand that this will take a great deal of time, but I know that I can do it. I cannot explain why, but last night I had the feeling that something inside of me had changed forever. In the end, I know that I must learn to be more quiet, less strong willed, more patient, less open about my opinions, especially over trivial matters, more loving, less easily provoked to anger, and more responsible. I must learn not to let my emotions control my decisions and I must learn to use my time wisely and much less selfishly. I hope and pray that I will go through a great transformation. I do not mean to become less myself, but a better version of myself. I seek to be more of a lady and a better soldier for Christ.

This change will, of course, be difficult and slow and I find myself to be overwhelmed by the task. In spite of this, I feel strangely excited, as if I am about to embark on a strange adventure and that it is led by Someone who will not let any harm come to me. Indeed, Christ gently lifts my fears from my shoulders and encourages me to move onward toward something beautiful. There is work that needs doing and He has called me to some of it. Whether I have assistance and support from my loved ones or not, I must trust that He will make things right. Otherwise all that I believe in and stand for would be a lie, making my very existence meaningless. The time has come to take the next step. Another door has closed and there can be no going back. Now, the only way is forward.

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