Saturday, May 23, 2009

Dancing Through Life

Tonight my younger sisters had their annual ballet recital. They all danced beautifully and afterward all of their friends and their families came over to the house for a reception. Everything was lovely. It was nice to see all of my family enjoying time with their friends. I didn't really have any close friends over so I ended up entertaining five-year-olds and watching everyone have a good time.

The night left me feeling a bit melancholy. There was a time in my life when I saw all of my friends on a regular basis and they were integrated into my daily life while my family was also with me and part of my daily life. Now it seems that I am presented with a difficult "either" "or" scenario. I can either have a life at school, where I see most of my friends every day, but hardly see my family, or I can have a life at home where jobs and schedule conflicts keep my friends away, but I am with my family, to the extent that their schedules allow. I feel a bit out of place.

I love my family very much, but when I'm home I find myself often out of my element looking to whatever the future might hold. When I'm away from home, with my friends, I feel more like an adult and I definitely like the sense of direction and independence that spending time with my awesome peers allows, but I'm not home. I'm not as easily able to keep up with what's going on in the lives of my siblings and parents.

These last two weeks have been very busy for my family. Life at my home has always been like that. People never stop coming and going and rushing about. My life at school isn't like that. If I'm busy with something, it's school, but I feel that I have a very nice balance between work and rest and my free time isn't frantically divided between this party, this recital, this wedding, this youth group meeting, this rehearsal, this parish function, this family event, and that mission trip. At school there are three categories: work, social, and school. Work happens twice a week or less and only lasts for three hours at a time. School is time in class and time preparing for tests and other graded work. Social is with the same people and usually on campus so it usually amounts to staying home, only with friends.

At home, it isn't like that. I can go a whole week and have only spent a hour or two in the presence of any given family member. I haven't had a ton of places to go, but everyone else does and we are almost never here at the same time. If I want to have a heart to heart with one of my siblings it usually ends up being at around one in the morning. I've been home from school for two weeks and, even though I live in the same house as my family, I miss them. At home there are no categories for time. There is always something to do. There are always dishes to be washed, clothes to be folded, errands to run, kids to chauffeur, guests to entertain, etc. Don't get my wrong, I love my family and my home. I'm just not in the rhythm of my family's life.

As I look at the projected pattern for the summer schedule and think about throwing a summer job in the mix, I feel kind of sad. I just wish I could slow things down, not a great deal, just enough to take in the moments. I feel like everything is just flying past me. I guess that I get this way every summer. That's probably because there isn't a regular schedule in the summer and everything is a bit less organized.

I don't really expect that any one will feel much sympathy for me. I fully understand that this is a pretty small trouble. My family has a lot more going on right now than disorganized schedules, though, and so I've been working on keeping this to myself. (Let's see how long I can hold out. ^_^) Sometimes I feel like this blog is my own free therapy session. I can talk about whatever is on my mind, without adding to anyone else's trouble.

After having written this, I feel better. I really don't even think that I should post this one, but since I've already written and short novel, I'll ignore my impulses and go through with this. Well, life moves along and hopefully I'll just keep moving right along with it. Thanks for your prayers, whoever reads these and prays for me. =) G'night.

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