Today is the second day of finals week at my school. I haven't had a test yet, but I'm pretty anxious about one in particular. It's amazing how one thing can be the focus of so much worry and anxiety.
This week I have been reflecting a lot on the sources of my anxieties. This was mainly to discover what the sources are and - God willing - eliminate them. During my reflections I became aware that at some point in the last year or so, I began to shut God out. Not in the sense of discontinuing daily prayers or regular Confession, but in the sense of ceasing to rely on God for all things. At some point I started to rely on myself instead. I became so caught up in the things around me that I decided that I just didn't have time to surrender my troubles to God. After all, I reasoned, I could handle this, so why trouble God about it? How foolish I have been!
The most astounding thing is that I didn't even realize that I was doing it. It didn't become clear to me until yesterday, when I was feeling particularly down about something, I tried to turn to God about it through writing in my journal and I realized that I hardly knew how to tell Him about all that was going on in my heart. Of course, I know that he already knows everything that goes on in my heart, but at some point I just let that be enough and stopped working at talking to God about what I was going through.
I was asking for graces, praising His name, requesting favors, praying for friends, and that sort of thing, but I was no longer talking to Him as the lover of my soul and my friend. I let myself become distant and I wasn't letting Him fully into my heart. So now I know that I have a lot of work to do, or rather, a lot of catching up to do.
The thing is, I miss it. I didn't realize it until I tried it yesterday, but I really miss pouring my heart out to Christ and just letting Him love and care for me. I don't know how I ever let myself move away from it. His love is so amazing. When I contemplate all that I know of God, I am awestruck. Even I, who always has so much to say, am speechless when faced with His awesome love.
I have many things on my heart right now. Some are very exciting, some are a bit terrifying, and some are sad. Please pray that I will know what to do will all of them and that I may lean on God unceasingly.