One step forward, two steps back

  
No matter how many times I learn lessons about myself, my mistakes, and what I need to work on, I always seem to forget them completely in such a short time.  For example, I have learned and relearned the lesson that Christ loves me and His love makes me good enough, insofar as I continue to repent and turn to Him in trust and humility.  Still, I always end up returning to this mistaken idea that I have to fix everything for everyone and that I must/should be perfect.  I am so tired of trying to get everything right.  First of all, I'm bad at it.  Second, it's exhausting.  In some way, it's as if I'm trying to be God.  Not in the good way, like becoming more Christlike, but in the way that I refuse to accept human frailty in myself.  I frequently attempt to reject my fallen human nature.  I don't like that it's a part of me.

I once watch an episode of Fr. Brown (a Chesterton character who solves mysteries) and in it there was a man who committed suicide.  He was a very religious man, but he had made a religion out of happiness.  If you were good, in his belief, then you were always happy, you always had it together.  The only sin you need ever avoid is drinking any form of alcohol.   Fr. Brown remarks something to the effect of, "Satan himself could not have devised a more miserable punishment".  Eternal happiness, when it is forced is not a good thing.  God does not intend for us to live a false existence, constantly pretending that our lives and our very selves are without difficulty or imperfections.  When one makes a religion out of happiness, one never allows for the possibilities of grief, anxiety, loneliness, frustration, anger, or any other natural response to difficult situations.   Consequently, one expects everyone else to press on and pretend that everything is okay, when really they are not.  Of course one doesn't view it in those terms.  Rather, one is more likely to view is as "fixing" things.  People shouldn't have conflict, frustrations, etc.  This makes negative emotion into some kind of sin.

Thankfully, I have not gone so far as to do all that, but I do feel that to some extent I am guilty of this, especially when dealing with myself.  I do not allow myself to make mistakes.  This becomes especially problematic when I am faced with the reality that I mess up quite frequently.   I am become overly concerned with getting it right for the first time and carry the guilt of my unsuccess around with me for years.  As soon as I realize that I have miss-stepped I am overwhelmed by a sense of regret and guilt that sometimes doesn't go away, even after the issue is resolved.  Even worse, sometimes I may not have actually even miss-stepped, but I still feel horribly guilty.  I feel guilty when someone misunderstands what I said,  I feel guilty when someone misunderstands my motive, I feel guilty when someone expects something of me that I can't give, I feel guilty if my friends have a conflict that I cannot help them resolve, I feel guilty if my efforts to help them go awry, and I even feel guilty for the negative opinions that some people hold of me.

This is NOT okay. 

So, I'm going to try to let go of it.   I don't really have a plan, because my plans usually fall through (which makes me feel even more guilty), but I'm basically going to try to find ways to accept my faults.  Not to embrace them and stop working on them, but accepting them as something that I will be likely struggling with for the rest of my life.  I am going to work on believing that it's okay for me to mess up, even if my mistakes and humanness cause people to be annoyed with or even dislike me.  Obviously I should try avoid offending others, but once I've done the best I can, I am going to try my best to accept whatever comes.

I am going to try to accept that in spite of these faults and perhaps even with them, I am in my own way, lovable.  I am going to try to accept that even though I will never by worthy by my own merit, Christ loves me.  I am going to try to stop worrying so much about what people will think of me.  I am going to try to do all of this without disrupting the lives of others too significantly. 

One Step at a Time

Okay, so if you're wondering what the heck this image has to do with the title, the theme here is life.  It has multiple stages.  It needs joy and music.  It needs love.  It's made up of little moments.  Do you see where I am going with this?   Maybe?

Life is short, or that's what everyone says.  But, sometimes it seems as if life just trickles along.  For me, it has always been that the things I want to happen seem to take forever to come and the things that are happening now, even those which I am glad for, flash by so quickly.

Time is very frustrating because it doesn't ever seem to be on my side.  As soon as I get settled in a given place, the time comes for me to move on.  Maybe this is a trouble that is exclusive to me.  Maybe I just have more trouble adjusting than most people.  Regardless, this little conundrum has caused me a good bit of frustration.

My mood right now is not frustrated, rather it is pensive.  I frequent that particular mood quite a lot. 

I'm thinking a good bit about big things.  I'm thinking about time(obviously), change, fear, ethics, wisdom, love, patience, self-knowledge, God, emotions, responsibility, prudence, and many other things.  I'm trying to grow.  I want this to be a growing year for me.

I want to know myself better.  I want to love God better.  I want to have more self discipline.  I want to be a better friend.  I want to start sticking up for myself.  I want to be kinder.  I want to be tough(but a very specific kind of tough).  I want to be wise.  I want to trust others and God much much more.

This is the year, folks.  This is the month.  This is the week.  This is the day.  This is the moment. 

The change starts now.  Today, I am going to be successful.  I will not be stopped by myself or anyone else.  I am determined to be the best that I can be.  I am determined to learn that my best is good enough, even when others disagree.  I don't want to rely so much on my feelings any more.

I want to be sure that it is truly the God of Consolations that I love and not the consolations of God.

And for this moment, I will succeed! 

Home, Sweet Home

It's that time of year when everyone abandons their daily routine for celebration, family, gift-giving, and prayer.   It's the time of year when people buy things that they can't really afford just to see the face of a loved one light up with surprise and joy.    It is a time of great love.  It is a time of much busyness.  It is a time of hope.

During this Christmas post, I would like to spotlight one particular person in my life who makes my Christmas what it is: my daddy.  If you don't know this man, then hopefully you have someone in your life like him.   My father is one of the best and holiest people I have ever known.   He's not holy because he has not fault, rather he is holy because he never stops working to mend his faults.  He is a humble man.  Even when I was a very young child, he would apologize to me whenever he spoke is frustration or impatience with me.  It is very difficult to admit mistakes and apologize to your children, especially if the reason for said mistakes is often the bad behavior of said children.  Daddy never felt that was a good enough excuse.

Daddy is always worried about the well being of his children.  When he is able, he makes a daily holy hour for the spiritual and physical well-being of our family.  He has Chronic Lymphatic Leukemia(CLL), but refuses to pray for his own healing because he feels that he can do more good for those he loves if he suffers through it.  CLL effects his immune system and adds further complications to his health as he ages.  My dad is seventy-four years old and pushes himself to be just as active as he was when I was a little girl.  He does all of the rough-housing with my seven-year-old sister as he did with me when I was that age, but now it costs him so much more.  Daddy is a man of sacrifice.

He is a gentle man too.  He is a protector.  When I was little he prayed over me to keep the nightmares away.  Now, whenever I ask him, he prays over me to banish my fears and anxieties.  He pulls loose teeth and removes splinters with the utmost love and care.  He holds us when we're scared.  He offers compassion when we're ill or hurting.  He offers counsel when we feel lost.  He taught me what a gentleman is and his love for my mother sets the standard for what I want in my own marriage(God willing).

Daddy loves Christmas.  Every year he tells us all not to give him gifts.  He means it.  He explains that there is nothing he needs, nothing he wants, and that we shouldn't waste our money on gifts for him because he knows that we love him.  Of course, we never listen, because such a man deserves to be honored with sentimental gifts that let him know how wonderful we feel he is.

Every Christmas Eve, after Midnight Mass, we gather in the living room around Dad's la-z-boy recliner and he reads, with his best bayou accent, "The Cajun Night Before Christmas".  He's been doing this for as long as I can remember.  Sometimes he also read "The Gift of the Magi" or "The Cowboy Night Before Christmas".  We are each given a special Christmas Eve ornament to unwrap and put on the tree, then we all head up to our beds and wait for Santa to work his magic.

Not Daddy.  Even after Santa has come and gone, Dad stays in his recliner all night.   He does this every Christmas.  Once, when I was a little girl, I asked him why.  He told me that he wants to be there to see everyone's first reaction to all the gifts.  This, of course, is especially true for the reactions of the children, who usually exclaim with delight, "He came!" as if they somehow thought "he" might not come.

Then, once everyone is awake and in the living room, Daddy sits by the tree and, one by one, passes out gifts.   He does one at a time because he wants to watch all of the reactions.  Even for the older ones there's almost always a gift that is a total surprise.  Mom and Dad don't feel like they did it right if they can't find some very special surprise for each of their children.

I have been so blessed in my family.  I'll probably write about the other members soon.  For now, I just wanted you to share a part of my Christmas.  Merry Christmas to you all, my dear friends!  God bless you!

Stormy Weather

This has been a whirlwind week.   So much is going on and there are lots of storms, both physical and metaphorical.  My poor siblings in Christ are all struggling through this especially difficult finals week.  All sorts of unexpected mishaps are taking place.  I'm right there with you.  That's all I wanted to say.  I'm there too.  So we can get through this together.  Just don't do it alone, k?

On Adventure, Dreaming, and Fear

When I was little, I used to wonder and dream of the great adventures that were to come as I grew into an adult. I was not afraid of what was to come, because I felt that even though it was incredibly uncertain, it would surely be amazing. Even the troubles that I knew would come didn't really frighten me because I knew that I would be older and that I'd know more about what to do and how to act.

Now that I'm older, that knowledge seems to be such a small consolation. The more I know, the more aware I become of my own great ignorance. I realize that this has made me significantly less daring. The smallest changes in my daily routines are much more frightening than they ever should have been. I've surrounded myself with so many rules in order to protect myself from possible mistakes or any possible repeats of past injuries. However, many of these rules also prevent me from experience the dreams and joys that I felt so certain would come when I got older. Some of them, I let slide by rather and rise up and claim them, because I am too afraid.

It's time to find a better balance between safety and adventure. There is no adventure without sense of danger, so I need to learn to take risks. However, I need to still be careful to avoid throwing caution to the wind. I don't want to be bound by fear, but I do want to be wise. Maybe I'll find wisdom when I become okay with my own foolishness. ^_^