Monday, February 25, 2008
I am blessed to have one of the holiest priests I have ever encountered as the pastor of my church parish. He is extremely wise and humble. He has done so much to keep our parish united to the rest of the Roman Catholic Church and he has been such a gift in my life. In many ways he has been like a grandfather to me as my own grandfathers passed away when I was very young. Recently, I went to receive the sacrament of Reconciliation from my pastor, he told me something that really hit home. He said, "Holiness is not the ability to be perfect, but the humble surrendering of our imperfections to God."
I often forget that it's okay for me to be imperfect. I become so concerned with what I ought to be doing that I over think things and the result is some rather intense anxiety. Concerned thoughts plague my mind. "What should I say?" "How should I explain this?" "What if this ruins everything?" "What if I lose this person's friendship?" "What if I'm too dumb to figure out what God is telling me?" "What if they can't forgive/love me?" "What if they don't listen?" "What if I scare them away?" "What if I become too annoying?"
Sadly, I think that many of these fears will be a cross for me to carry, on and off, throughout life. Still, I find that little by little, I am learning not to focus so much on myself and to trust in God. He made me the way I am on purpose and for a purposes. I may not know what it is, but there is a reason for my existence. Jesus died for me. He doesn't care who I am, what I've done, or what I'll do in the future. No matter what, He will always love me. With that knowledge, I have the courage to keep going on.
I know that I don't have all the answers. In fact, I'm appalled at how little I know and can do. I'm just beginning to learn. But I've come to learn that that is okay too. I don't have to have all the answers because He does. There are many people that I love and I wish that I could forever avoid mistakes that may cause them to suffer, but that isn't really possible for anyone.
So, I've decided, once again, to just surrender those worries to Christ. They are His now and I know that He will take care of me. I'll just keep doing my best and leave the rest up to Him.
at 3:19 AM