Whirlwind

Life can be so overwhelming sometimes. It literally seems to be tossing me back and forth between appointments. How quickly I become busy. Suddenly, I am too busy to schedule a phone call with a dear friend, who is heading off to college, I am too busy to go to sleep before midnight, too tired to wake up early or focus through the day, and so emotional that people begin to worry. What a mess!

It's times like these when I know that I need to slow down and refocus, but I'm not exactly sure how. When is the time that it is ok for me to say "no" to all of the wonderful and pressing engagements? I want to run to a safe place, a safe person, and hide from all of the chaos. I can't seem to balance everything. I'm juggling too many balls and I'm bound to drop them all soon. How many people feel brushed aside? I feel as if I let them all down. No matter what I do, I can't make them all happy. How do I chose? What would Christ do? How am I to know? I am not a wise person and sadly not a very good listener. Sometimes I am almost sure that Christ is plainly telling me the answer, but I am too out of focus to listen.

I need to slow down. I need to stop. I need to rest. I need to pray. I cannot survive in this whirlwind, it is too much for me to handle. Life is too beautiful, too precious to waste. One step at a time is all that I can do. One step at a time is enough.

Lift Your Eyes to Heaven

Morning glories are such lovely flowers. They rise eagerly in the early morning and open themselves to receive the light. This is my favorite flower. Morning glories seem to reflect how we ought to be as humans. They rest when they ought to rest, and they rise cheerfully in the early morning to greet the sun. I wish that my life might be like a morning glory, simple, beautiful, and all for God's glory. It is my hope that I might spend each day with my face joyfully turned toward the Son while I offer all of my being for His will. Then I will be all the more beautiful, but my beauty will not be my own, but merely a reflection of His light on my lowly face. By His grace I will succeed along with all of my brothers and sisters in Christ who also yearn to see His face.

Confusion

Some days, I really doubt myself. I can't see what is ahead and I become suddenly very afraid that I am doing something, or many things, wrong. What if I cannot get it right? What if I get hurt? What if I am annoying everyone? What if people are getting sick of me being so emotional and vulnerable all of the time? What if I can never change that? I have fought long and hard against these doubts and thrown myself at the foot of the cross for protection from them, but some days my resistance is just too low. What then should I do? I know that this will soon pass and I will go on with my life as normal, but right now there is a nagging thought that I am just not good enough. For tonight, I feel very alone, even though I know that feelings really aren't that important. I ask that anyone who reads this blog would please say a quick prayer for me tonight. Thanks. (BTW, I am completely serious in saying that I really am one hundred percent fine. I'm just a bit down this evening and when you mix that with my flair for drama, the result is this startling blog entry)

Roses

Some moments in our lives are so sweet and so wonderful that they are like roses from Heaven. Learning new things about people who are dear to us is one such rose. Some people in our lives are wonderfully special. They teach us more about life and about ourselves. Those people fill our lives with light and laughter.

Today, I had the great joy of spending most of my day in the company of such a person. I am reminded of how much God has blessed my life. I feel honored, joyful, and prayerfully thankful to be so blessed. God has given me so much and continues to give me so much. I hardly know what to do with so much joy.

Farewell Childhood

Lately, something has changed within my heart. I feel as if another chapter in my life has ended. The last remnants of my childhood are quickly fading. It is a strange feeling, like looking at photograph of your younger self and not recognizing the image before you. It is something akin to visiting a familiar and beloved place, while knowing that you can never return. Each memory, each wound, each gift, each dream, and each place hold something special for me. Similar to looking through a forgotten scrapbook, the experience fills me with nostalgia. Yet, the feeling of nostalgia is countered by a strong sense that the time has come to move on.

It is time for me to put behind my childish selfishness, silliness, pride, laziness, and fear. I understand that this will take a great deal of time, but I know that I can do it. I cannot explain why, but last night I had the feeling that something inside of me had changed forever. In the end, I know that I must learn to be more quiet, less strong willed, more patient, less open about my opinions, especially over trivial matters, more loving, less easily provoked to anger, and more responsible. I must learn not to let my emotions control my decisions and I must learn to use my time wisely and much less selfishly. I hope and pray that I will go through a great transformation. I do not mean to become less myself, but a better version of myself. I seek to be more of a lady and a better soldier for Christ.

This change will, of course, be difficult and slow and I find myself to be overwhelmed by the task. In spite of this, I feel strangely excited, as if I am about to embark on a strange adventure and that it is led by Someone who will not let any harm come to me. Indeed, Christ gently lifts my fears from my shoulders and encourages me to move onward toward something beautiful. There is work that needs doing and He has called me to some of it. Whether I have assistance and support from my loved ones or not, I must trust that He will make things right. Otherwise all that I believe in and stand for would be a lie, making my very existence meaningless. The time has come to take the next step. Another door has closed and there can be no going back. Now, the only way is forward.