Dancing Through Life

Tonight my younger sisters had their annual ballet recital. They all danced beautifully and afterward all of their friends and their families came over to the house for a reception. Everything was lovely. It was nice to see all of my family enjoying time with their friends. I didn't really have any close friends over so I ended up entertaining five-year-olds and watching everyone have a good time.

The night left me feeling a bit melancholy. There was a time in my life when I saw all of my friends on a regular basis and they were integrated into my daily life while my family was also with me and part of my daily life. Now it seems that I am presented with a difficult "either" "or" scenario. I can either have a life at school, where I see most of my friends every day, but hardly see my family, or I can have a life at home where jobs and schedule conflicts keep my friends away, but I am with my family, to the extent that their schedules allow. I feel a bit out of place.

I love my family very much, but when I'm home I find myself often out of my element looking to whatever the future might hold. When I'm away from home, with my friends, I feel more like an adult and I definitely like the sense of direction and independence that spending time with my awesome peers allows, but I'm not home. I'm not as easily able to keep up with what's going on in the lives of my siblings and parents.

These last two weeks have been very busy for my family. Life at my home has always been like that. People never stop coming and going and rushing about. My life at school isn't like that. If I'm busy with something, it's school, but I feel that I have a very nice balance between work and rest and my free time isn't frantically divided between this party, this recital, this wedding, this youth group meeting, this rehearsal, this parish function, this family event, and that mission trip. At school there are three categories: work, social, and school. Work happens twice a week or less and only lasts for three hours at a time. School is time in class and time preparing for tests and other graded work. Social is with the same people and usually on campus so it usually amounts to staying home, only with friends.

At home, it isn't like that. I can go a whole week and have only spent a hour or two in the presence of any given family member. I haven't had a ton of places to go, but everyone else does and we are almost never here at the same time. If I want to have a heart to heart with one of my siblings it usually ends up being at around one in the morning. I've been home from school for two weeks and, even though I live in the same house as my family, I miss them. At home there are no categories for time. There is always something to do. There are always dishes to be washed, clothes to be folded, errands to run, kids to chauffeur, guests to entertain, etc. Don't get my wrong, I love my family and my home. I'm just not in the rhythm of my family's life.

As I look at the projected pattern for the summer schedule and think about throwing a summer job in the mix, I feel kind of sad. I just wish I could slow things down, not a great deal, just enough to take in the moments. I feel like everything is just flying past me. I guess that I get this way every summer. That's probably because there isn't a regular schedule in the summer and everything is a bit less organized.

I don't really expect that any one will feel much sympathy for me. I fully understand that this is a pretty small trouble. My family has a lot more going on right now than disorganized schedules, though, and so I've been working on keeping this to myself. (Let's see how long I can hold out. ^_^) Sometimes I feel like this blog is my own free therapy session. I can talk about whatever is on my mind, without adding to anyone else's trouble.

After having written this, I feel better. I really don't even think that I should post this one, but since I've already written and short novel, I'll ignore my impulses and go through with this. Well, life moves along and hopefully I'll just keep moving right along with it. Thanks for your prayers, whoever reads these and prays for me. =) G'night.

Today is the second day of finals week at my school. I haven't had a test yet, but I'm pretty anxious about one in particular. It's amazing how one thing can be the focus of so much worry and anxiety.

This week I have been reflecting a lot on the sources of my anxieties. This was mainly to discover what the sources are and - God willing - eliminate them. During my reflections I became aware that at some point in the last year or so, I began to shut God out. Not in the sense of discontinuing daily prayers or regular Confession, but in the sense of ceasing to rely on God for all things. At some point I started to rely on myself instead. I became so caught up in the things around me that I decided that I just didn't have time to surrender my troubles to God. After all, I reasoned, I could handle this, so why trouble God about it? How foolish I have been!

The most astounding thing is that I didn't even realize that I was doing it. It didn't become clear to me until yesterday, when I was feeling particularly down about something, I tried to turn to God about it through writing in my journal and I realized that I hardly knew how to tell Him about all that was going on in my heart. Of course, I know that he already knows everything that goes on in my heart, but at some point I just let that be enough and stopped working at talking to God about what I was going through.

I was asking for graces, praising His name, requesting favors, praying for friends, and that sort of thing, but I was no longer talking to Him as the lover of my soul and my friend. I let myself become distant and I wasn't letting Him fully into my heart. So now I know that I have a lot of work to do, or rather, a lot of catching up to do.

The thing is, I miss it. I didn't realize it until I tried it yesterday, but I really miss pouring my heart out to Christ and just letting Him love and care for me. I don't know how I ever let myself move away from it. His love is so amazing. When I contemplate all that I know of God, I am awestruck. Even I, who always has so much to say, am speechless when faced with His awesome love.

I have many things on my heart right now. Some are very exciting, some are a bit terrifying, and some are sad. Please pray that I will know what to do will all of them and that I may lean on God unceasingly.

...and we go on and on

So, the Easter Triduum is about to begin. Now is the time to ready our hearts for one of the greatest celebrations of all time, the Wedding Feast of Christ to His bride, the Church. Get excited!

At times like these, I am inclined to be particularly reflective about myself. Where am I going? What should I be doing? What lies ahead? Am I doing this right?

Some pretty big changes have taken place this semester. I've had a lot of adjusting to do. Change, which scares me, was a part of this semester that I was resisting pretty strongly. Well, that's about to stop. The time has come for me to move ahead. Bring on the changes! I'm letting go of the past a bit more this Easter. I'm going to start afresh and leave the old beginnings behind me. Hopefully I'll do it better this time. =)


P.S. Don't forget to start the Divine Mercy Novena on Good Friday.

The Way To Tomorrow

Long ago, mankind was created by Love for love. We were created for love. It is written on the hearts of all human beings, whether they be Christian, Jew, Atheist, Hindu, Muslim, or any other belief. We need human interaction. We need to give of ourselves in love. We need to touch the lives of others. It is the deepest longing of every human soul to love and be loved.

"It is not good for man to be alone,"(Gen 2:18) so we have been sent out to learn, live, and love during our time on earth. Since our creation, we have been struggling to achieve this purpose, but our fallen natures provide a great barrier.

Loving is hard. Sometimes loving people involves letting them go, giving up your way, sacrificing your own happiness, staying up too late to take care of them, helping them purchase things they need, and just letting them know how special they are. There are so many ways to love others. Most of them are not easy. Some of them are so difficult that they make me want to cry. This is the most worthwhile form of love, the kind that requires a great deal of sacrifice. If we offer that sacrifice up to the Lord for the sake of those whom we love, then we add to the good we can do for those people.

We cannot give up, because we yearn to love. We are like wolves, we need the pack. Praise God for that beautiful need! I ask for prayers that I might love better and more selflessly. Thank you!

P.S. I really want to domesticate a wolf like this. Clearly, I read to many novels. =)

Something New

Lent is a time for freedom. Since this wonderful season has begun, I've been hearing that from a lot of people. This is a time to break free from our sins and let Christ begin something completely new in us. We, with our simple human intellects, cannot comprehend God's plan for us, because it is something that is always different from anything else we have ever experienced. He is in control and as our pastor said, "If you sneak a peak at the last page of the Bible, He wins!"

So, now is the time to let go of the things that are keeping us from Christ. Now is the time to really take a long hard look at ourselves and determine what it is that Christ is asking us to change. We are all called to be saints. It is not acceptable if our spiritual lives do not have the same intensity as those of the saints. God understands our weakness, of course, but that is no excuse to get comfortable where we are at. As the saying goes, God loves us just as we are, but He loves us too much to leave us that way. We must search our hearts and listen to the truth about where we are on our spiritual journey. We must not get discouraged by our own shortcomings because He is in control. His strength will support us. As we recognize our failures, we must humbly submit them to His care and joyfully open ourselves to a great transformation.

You and I are called to extraordinary greatness. We must not settle for mediocrity. This time has come to let fall our chains and move forward. The pain, the misunderstandings, the fears, the failures, and our plans of the past must be abandoned. We must blindly trust in His plan. Let him free us from our spiritual paralysis. He, the healer and lover of our souls, will not spurn our feeble efforts. Rather, He will strengthen and enrich us for the journey. Let's walk ahead! Let us together experience this new glory that Christ is offering.