Goodbye and Thank You

Another day, another dollar. Whew! Today was a rough day at work, mostly because I was pretty much dead on my feet when I got there. I felt as if my reflexes were doubly slow and I was very disconnected from my work. It was extremely difficult to keep my energy and enthusiasm up. I tried hard.

It's really my own fault. I stayed up too late when I went to visit my Aunt and Uncle, then I stayed up too late last night, then I woke up too early tonight. When I take away sleep, I don't function well. So, here I am: upstairs on my computer, listening to my cousin teaching art to my siblings downstairs and the Denzel Washington & Julia Roberts movie my Dad and brother are watching. I wish that I had more energy so I could drive off to spend much needed quality time with my wonderfully amazing friends. I did, by the way, get to see some of them at 6:30 a.m. Mass this morning and that made my day. Still, I wish I was with them now.

Self pity is no fun, so I'm going to move on to another topic. Um...I've got nothing. =)

Okay, I've been thinking about writing a short story and then publishing it, in chapters, on my blog. (This thought really just hit me two seconds ago) What do y'all think? Any opinions? Lemme know, k?

P.S. We served plantains at work today. They were not flaming. ^_^

A Gospel Meditation

Luke 10:25-37
"²⁵On one occasion an expert in the law stood up to test Jesus. "Teacher," he asked, "what must I do to inherit eternal life?"

²⁶"What is written in the Law?" he replied. "How do you read it?"

²⁷He answered: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind'^a]">[a]; and, 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'^b]">[b]"

²⁸"You have answered correctly," Jesus replied. "Do this and you will live."

²⁹But he wanted to justify himself, so he asked Jesus, "And who is my neighbor?"

³⁰In reply Jesus said: "A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, when he fell into the hands of robbers. They stripped him of his clothes, beat him and went away, leaving him half dead. ³¹A priest happened to be going down the same road, and when he saw the man, he passed by on the other side. ³²So too, a Levite, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side. ³³But a Samaritan, as he traveled, came where the man was; and when he saw him, he took pity on him. ³⁴He went to him and bandaged his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. Then he put the man on his own donkey, took him to an inn and took care of him. ³⁵The next day he took out two silver coins^c]">[c] and gave them to the innkeeper. 'Look after him,' he said, 'and when I return, I will reimburse you for any extra expense you may have.'

³⁶"Which of these three do you think was a neighbor to the man who fell into the hands of robbers?"

³⁷The expert in the law replied, "The one who had mercy on him."
Jesus told him, "Go and do likewise.""

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Today, I was able to participate in a meditation on this gospel passage with a youth group from Florida. In the meditation, the youth leader invited us to imagine ourselves in the role of the Samaritan. This was something I had never done before, but in doing it, many new thoughts and ideas about this passage came to me.

First off, what could have been running through this Samaritan's mind as he came upon the badly beaten Jew. What happened to this man? Is this a trap to bring my guard down so that the robbers can attack me? This man is a Jew, and Jews revile and hate all Samaritans. They consider us to be half-bred apostates. If I help this man, he will be considered "unclean" for his contact with me. Perhaps he will even hate me for helping him and making him "unclean". When I get to a place for him to stay and be cared for, I may be turned away simply because I am a Samaritan. But look at this man. He suffers. His wounds are bad and he has received no help. If I pass him by, other are likely to pass him by as well. He could die. He may have family. Yes, he may be a Jew, he may even hate me, but I will help him. Through his suffering, he is my brother. I too have been broken and abandoned. I cannot leave him. I will not abandon my brother.

As I meditated on this parable, the images in my head changed and I became the Samaritan and the injured man became my coworkers. Most of the people I work with are not happy people. They are easily troubled, easily angered, and easily discouraged. I have often tried to be Christ to them, but either for my weakness or from their own issues, my attempts at kindness have often been interpreted as fake, selfishly motivated, or simply aggravating. It makes me so sad when this happens. Whether or not my coworkers have some amazing conversion experience from knowing Christ through me, I sincerely do care about them and just want to make their days a bit easier and their lives a bit better. When they don't see this, I feel so inept. I wonder how I could act or speak differently to convey my intent without sounding arrogant, judgmental, annoying, self-important, etc. For me, this is very difficult.

Today at work, I was just about ready to give up. I felt that no matter what I did I would just continue to get extra flack from everyone. In fact, lately it seems that the more I try to love my coworkers, the more I am insulted, taken advantage of, or ignored. I work to do a good job, I get assigned double work. A coworker asks to take my shift, but shows up late, so i get called by a manager who thinks that I'm lying about my shift being picked up. I try to help people get their work done and they leave me to do their jobs. When I left work today I was discouraged, frustrated, and annoyed. I felt that if this is how good behavior is rewarded, then it's a lost cause.

All of this came back up at me as I meditated on the passage of the good Samaritan. I realized that I had somewhere slipped into focusing almost entirely on what the personal costs to me would be. I was ashamed. In my mind as I found new resolve to help my imaginary wounded coworkers get up and walk ahead, I saw them transform into Christ next to me. He too was wounded and bleeding. And as we walked, in my meditation, I could feel the heat and the humidity pressing in against us as we labored down a dirt road. I looked up at the hot and cloudless sky and took a big sigh. "Okay Lord," I said to him, "Here we go" and with that, we pushed on. It was hard to help him and I could feel my strength failing, but as we walked, without my even noticing it, the scene had shifted. I was no longer helping Christ with His cross, but He was now helping me. There, my meditation ended.

So, here are some things that I took away from my meditation:

1. If I can look for the troubles that my coworkers are deal with (their "wounds"), then my compassion will kick in and loving them will be easier.
2. If I can learn to love, without counting the cost, then my love will be more pure and good.
3. If I can remember to see Christ's presence in all those around me, then I will be able to treat them with more respect and love.
4. If I can remember that as I strive to help Christ, it is really Christ who is helping me, then I will be at peace and I will be more successful.
5. Without Christ, I can't do it. It is all for Him and from Him.
6. Christ is awesome and I need to meditate on scripture more often :)

One more thing I wanted to say: Because of the number of Catholic in the world, the Liturgy of the hours, and other forms of prayer, there should be some Catholic somewhere praying at all times. Don't miss your turn.

In Mary's Arms

Discernment is one of my weakest gifts. Between listening to too much advice from others, not listening to enough advice, second guessing myself, and fearing to make the wrong choice, I am often paralyzed by indecision. I am rarely as sure of what I decide to as I would like. On the flip side, when I'm sure of a decision, it's often difficult to reverse. This is especially difficult when I am in error. =)

Lately I have been trying to make decisions about many things. What internships should I apply for? What vocation am I called to? How do I handle certain relationships? I went to spiritual direction with my wonderful retired pastor and he gave me comfort and bade me to trust that if I needed to know something, God would make it plainly obvious to me as He has done for many of His other children. Even St. Faustina needed some pretty loud hints in order to set her off in the right direction.

So, I've been thinking about it and I've decided to follow the examples of so many of the saints and just rest in Mary's arms. Our Holy Mother loves her Son so dearly that she will surely bring me before Him. So I'll trust in the Lord and His lovely Mother to guide and protect me through my troubles, both big and small. Even so, I'll gladly take all the prayers that I can get, please!

The Little Way of St. Therese of Lisieux

So, I've started to re-read "I Believe in Love" by Fr. Jean C.J d'Elbee and I am reminded once again how amazing God's love is. Here we are, so miserable in our own junk, but to Him that is nothing. God looks at all of our worst moments and He doesn't even flinch at them. Then, He sweeps us up into His arms and showers us with gifts and graces. Not only does He provide for us spiritually, but He also takes care of our physical well-being. We don't do anything to deserve such benevolence, but when we come to Him with confidence, He gives us His whole self!

Wow! Lately, I've lost focus of that. I've been all mopey and a bit 'woe-is-me' about some things. I've had to give up my bedroom of the last 12 years and I don't really like my new setup, I've had some difficulties at work that threw me off of my game, I've had a hard time figuring out how to handle certain relationships with family and friends, I've been missing my older sister, who's out of state, I've been missing the rest of my family, who are all living in the same house as me, and I've just been feeling generally insignificant. What a waste of all my time and energy! As I reflect upon these past months of summer I wonder how I could have let so much time go by without accomplishing anything worthwhile or significantly productive. Sure, I've done minor things here and there, but mostly I've just been all wrapped up in my own self.

Some people say that if you don't live for yourself, then you'll be miserable. Well, I tried it and it's terrible. I'm never happy when I just do what I want, when I want to. I usually find that the things I thought I wanted to really hold that much meaning after all. I just find myself left wanting even more, always looking towards the next something that I don't have. That leads me down the road of depression - mild depression, but depression nonetheless. I'm pretty sick of it all.

Folks, it's time for me to get back on track and by that I mean it's time for me to recommit to living for Christ and trusting in His guidance and mercy. My Jesus has never failed me and I am certain that He never will. I will do my best to live for Him in each moment of each day, starting with my double shift at work tomorrow. Please pray that I stay on track and that if I must fall I don't fall to far and I return to His forgiving care. Thanks!

Also, please prayer for a beautiful young girl named Sarah. She is getting confirmed this fall and I'm her sponsor. ^_^

As Time Goes By

Time is something that never ceases to amaze me. It has set measurements and calculations (i.e. seconds in a minute, minutes in an hour, etc.) and yet it can become completely distorted in our perception of it. For instance, while a work day seems to drag on forever, the summer that holds those work days will at the same time seem to fly by in a whirl. Friends you though for sure you'd have plenty of time catch up with are just as busy juggling schedules as you are and projects, which you though would only take a day, extend from one week into the next.

The list, which you were to busy to compose during finals week, listing the things you needed to do during the summer has become scrambled and disorganized in your mind's eye and you're doing the best you can to just get the minimum done from one day to the next. You find that you are hardly any time to see the friend's you hoped to see at least once, maybe even twice, weekly. Character traits you had hoped to improve upon seem undaunted by the years that have rolled over their heads and dreams that pull your longing glance never seem to come any closer. Oh! What a merry dance time leads us all on!

Then, there are those beautiful moments when time seems to stop. Those are the precious instances where you feel completely detached from the goings on around you and seem to be watching them outside of yourself. In those moments, you know that you are witnessing something wonderful, something you will never forget. While the moment goes on all around you, you are able to sit and take it all in. Then, you thank God for giving you the privilege of being a witness to this greatness and your soul soars!