One Step at a Time

Okay, so if you're wondering what the heck this image has to do with the title, the theme here is life.  It has multiple stages.  It needs joy and music.  It needs love.  It's made up of little moments.  Do you see where I am going with this?   Maybe?

Life is short, or that's what everyone says.  But, sometimes it seems as if life just trickles along.  For me, it has always been that the things I want to happen seem to take forever to come and the things that are happening now, even those which I am glad for, flash by so quickly.

Time is very frustrating because it doesn't ever seem to be on my side.  As soon as I get settled in a given place, the time comes for me to move on.  Maybe this is a trouble that is exclusive to me.  Maybe I just have more trouble adjusting than most people.  Regardless, this little conundrum has caused me a good bit of frustration.

My mood right now is not frustrated, rather it is pensive.  I frequent that particular mood quite a lot. 

I'm thinking a good bit about big things.  I'm thinking about time(obviously), change, fear, ethics, wisdom, love, patience, self-knowledge, God, emotions, responsibility, prudence, and many other things.  I'm trying to grow.  I want this to be a growing year for me.

I want to know myself better.  I want to love God better.  I want to have more self discipline.  I want to be a better friend.  I want to start sticking up for myself.  I want to be kinder.  I want to be tough(but a very specific kind of tough).  I want to be wise.  I want to trust others and God much much more.

This is the year, folks.  This is the month.  This is the week.  This is the day.  This is the moment. 

The change starts now.  Today, I am going to be successful.  I will not be stopped by myself or anyone else.  I am determined to be the best that I can be.  I am determined to learn that my best is good enough, even when others disagree.  I don't want to rely so much on my feelings any more.

I want to be sure that it is truly the God of Consolations that I love and not the consolations of God.

And for this moment, I will succeed! 

Home, Sweet Home

It's that time of year when everyone abandons their daily routine for celebration, family, gift-giving, and prayer.   It's the time of year when people buy things that they can't really afford just to see the face of a loved one light up with surprise and joy.    It is a time of great love.  It is a time of much busyness.  It is a time of hope.

During this Christmas post, I would like to spotlight one particular person in my life who makes my Christmas what it is: my daddy.  If you don't know this man, then hopefully you have someone in your life like him.   My father is one of the best and holiest people I have ever known.   He's not holy because he has not fault, rather he is holy because he never stops working to mend his faults.  He is a humble man.  Even when I was a very young child, he would apologize to me whenever he spoke is frustration or impatience with me.  It is very difficult to admit mistakes and apologize to your children, especially if the reason for said mistakes is often the bad behavior of said children.  Daddy never felt that was a good enough excuse.

Daddy is always worried about the well being of his children.  When he is able, he makes a daily holy hour for the spiritual and physical well-being of our family.  He has Chronic Lymphatic Leukemia(CLL), but refuses to pray for his own healing because he feels that he can do more good for those he loves if he suffers through it.  CLL effects his immune system and adds further complications to his health as he ages.  My dad is seventy-four years old and pushes himself to be just as active as he was when I was a little girl.  He does all of the rough-housing with my seven-year-old sister as he did with me when I was that age, but now it costs him so much more.  Daddy is a man of sacrifice.

He is a gentle man too.  He is a protector.  When I was little he prayed over me to keep the nightmares away.  Now, whenever I ask him, he prays over me to banish my fears and anxieties.  He pulls loose teeth and removes splinters with the utmost love and care.  He holds us when we're scared.  He offers compassion when we're ill or hurting.  He offers counsel when we feel lost.  He taught me what a gentleman is and his love for my mother sets the standard for what I want in my own marriage(God willing).

Daddy loves Christmas.  Every year he tells us all not to give him gifts.  He means it.  He explains that there is nothing he needs, nothing he wants, and that we shouldn't waste our money on gifts for him because he knows that we love him.  Of course, we never listen, because such a man deserves to be honored with sentimental gifts that let him know how wonderful we feel he is.

Every Christmas Eve, after Midnight Mass, we gather in the living room around Dad's la-z-boy recliner and he reads, with his best bayou accent, "The Cajun Night Before Christmas".  He's been doing this for as long as I can remember.  Sometimes he also read "The Gift of the Magi" or "The Cowboy Night Before Christmas".  We are each given a special Christmas Eve ornament to unwrap and put on the tree, then we all head up to our beds and wait for Santa to work his magic.

Not Daddy.  Even after Santa has come and gone, Dad stays in his recliner all night.   He does this every Christmas.  Once, when I was a little girl, I asked him why.  He told me that he wants to be there to see everyone's first reaction to all the gifts.  This, of course, is especially true for the reactions of the children, who usually exclaim with delight, "He came!" as if they somehow thought "he" might not come.

Then, once everyone is awake and in the living room, Daddy sits by the tree and, one by one, passes out gifts.   He does one at a time because he wants to watch all of the reactions.  Even for the older ones there's almost always a gift that is a total surprise.  Mom and Dad don't feel like they did it right if they can't find some very special surprise for each of their children.

I have been so blessed in my family.  I'll probably write about the other members soon.  For now, I just wanted you to share a part of my Christmas.  Merry Christmas to you all, my dear friends!  God bless you!

Stormy Weather

This has been a whirlwind week.   So much is going on and there are lots of storms, both physical and metaphorical.  My poor siblings in Christ are all struggling through this especially difficult finals week.  All sorts of unexpected mishaps are taking place.  I'm right there with you.  That's all I wanted to say.  I'm there too.  So we can get through this together.  Just don't do it alone, k?

On Adventure, Dreaming, and Fear

When I was little, I used to wonder and dream of the great adventures that were to come as I grew into an adult. I was not afraid of what was to come, because I felt that even though it was incredibly uncertain, it would surely be amazing. Even the troubles that I knew would come didn't really frighten me because I knew that I would be older and that I'd know more about what to do and how to act.

Now that I'm older, that knowledge seems to be such a small consolation. The more I know, the more aware I become of my own great ignorance. I realize that this has made me significantly less daring. The smallest changes in my daily routines are much more frightening than they ever should have been. I've surrounded myself with so many rules in order to protect myself from possible mistakes or any possible repeats of past injuries. However, many of these rules also prevent me from experience the dreams and joys that I felt so certain would come when I got older. Some of them, I let slide by rather and rise up and claim them, because I am too afraid.

It's time to find a better balance between safety and adventure. There is no adventure without sense of danger, so I need to learn to take risks. However, I need to still be careful to avoid throwing caution to the wind. I don't want to be bound by fear, but I do want to be wise. Maybe I'll find wisdom when I become okay with my own foolishness. ^_^

Here comes the sun...

Surprise! By the grace of God, and Him alone, I broke out of the funk I've been in for the last few days. I can't explain it. Despite countless attempts by friends, family, and myself to get me out of it, I made no progress, then, suddenly, peace came out of the blue and overcame all else. The first signs came this morning when I was walking to class and felt like singing. I knew that I wasn't ready for my Chinese quiz and that I had to give a presentation for my International Law class, but I wasn't afraid anymore.

As the time to go to Mass approached, I considered missing Mass in order to spend more time working on my Chinese, but I knew that it wouldn't make a difference. I was just about as ready as I'd be today and that extra hour would only get me two more words in my memory bank. So I went into the church, let out a deep and freeing sigh and just felt my soul fall into His arms. I looked at Him and my many requests and pleas were reduced to one simple prayer, "Lord, give me the gift of abandonment". I don't know where the prayer came from because I felt so compelled to pray it that I was able to go through all of Mass without losing my focus on Christ to focus on Chinese. Instead, I was blown away by the amazing reality of the Eucharist. I received God into my entire being today! What else can even come close in importance?

My soul was penetrated by His beautiful light and He consoled my weary spirit in an instant. I didn't ask for anything else. I didn't need to. In that moment, I knew with my whole existence that He was everything good and that I'd never need anything else. I was lost in His love and it's too much joy for me to contain. I did nothing to deserve this precious gift and I don't care. I have it because He wants me too and that's good enough for me any day. I feel so brave right now. I feel as if I can face anything now. Everything is in perspective.

I did fine on my presentation. I did poorly on my Chinese quiz, but not so poorly that I cannot recover. Either way, I'm happy and I love Him so much. I have so much love and joy in my heart right now. I am very much aware of how selfish I've been these past few days and I want to apologize to all of my amazing friends, who tried their best to help me out. I just got in your way. :-/ Know that I love you and that I see what you do for me. You touch much life!

Here's a song to leave you with!