The Little Way of St. Therese of Lisieux

So, I've started to re-read "I Believe in Love" by Fr. Jean C.J d'Elbee and I am reminded once again how amazing God's love is. Here we are, so miserable in our own junk, but to Him that is nothing. God looks at all of our worst moments and He doesn't even flinch at them. Then, He sweeps us up into His arms and showers us with gifts and graces. Not only does He provide for us spiritually, but He also takes care of our physical well-being. We don't do anything to deserve such benevolence, but when we come to Him with confidence, He gives us His whole self!

Wow! Lately, I've lost focus of that. I've been all mopey and a bit 'woe-is-me' about some things. I've had to give up my bedroom of the last 12 years and I don't really like my new setup, I've had some difficulties at work that threw me off of my game, I've had a hard time figuring out how to handle certain relationships with family and friends, I've been missing my older sister, who's out of state, I've been missing the rest of my family, who are all living in the same house as me, and I've just been feeling generally insignificant. What a waste of all my time and energy! As I reflect upon these past months of summer I wonder how I could have let so much time go by without accomplishing anything worthwhile or significantly productive. Sure, I've done minor things here and there, but mostly I've just been all wrapped up in my own self.

Some people say that if you don't live for yourself, then you'll be miserable. Well, I tried it and it's terrible. I'm never happy when I just do what I want, when I want to. I usually find that the things I thought I wanted to really hold that much meaning after all. I just find myself left wanting even more, always looking towards the next something that I don't have. That leads me down the road of depression - mild depression, but depression nonetheless. I'm pretty sick of it all.

Folks, it's time for me to get back on track and by that I mean it's time for me to recommit to living for Christ and trusting in His guidance and mercy. My Jesus has never failed me and I am certain that He never will. I will do my best to live for Him in each moment of each day, starting with my double shift at work tomorrow. Please pray that I stay on track and that if I must fall I don't fall to far and I return to His forgiving care. Thanks!

Also, please prayer for a beautiful young girl named Sarah. She is getting confirmed this fall and I'm her sponsor. ^_^

As Time Goes By

Time is something that never ceases to amaze me. It has set measurements and calculations (i.e. seconds in a minute, minutes in an hour, etc.) and yet it can become completely distorted in our perception of it. For instance, while a work day seems to drag on forever, the summer that holds those work days will at the same time seem to fly by in a whirl. Friends you though for sure you'd have plenty of time catch up with are just as busy juggling schedules as you are and projects, which you though would only take a day, extend from one week into the next.

The list, which you were to busy to compose during finals week, listing the things you needed to do during the summer has become scrambled and disorganized in your mind's eye and you're doing the best you can to just get the minimum done from one day to the next. You find that you are hardly any time to see the friend's you hoped to see at least once, maybe even twice, weekly. Character traits you had hoped to improve upon seem undaunted by the years that have rolled over their heads and dreams that pull your longing glance never seem to come any closer. Oh! What a merry dance time leads us all on!

Then, there are those beautiful moments when time seems to stop. Those are the precious instances where you feel completely detached from the goings on around you and seem to be watching them outside of yourself. In those moments, you know that you are witnessing something wonderful, something you will never forget. While the moment goes on all around you, you are able to sit and take it all in. Then, you thank God for giving you the privilege of being a witness to this greatness and your soul soars!

Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's off to work we go...

Today is the first day of my summer job. It's the same job that I've had since the second half of my senior year in high school. Maybe I'm just a spoiled brat, but I am ready for a change. However, since I have yet to put out job applications and am in sore need of funds to keep meas debt free as possible, it is necessary for change to wait. It's kind of funny that I can be so scared of change and want it so much all at the same time. Such is life, I suppose.

Perhaps it will be good for me though. What better opportunity would have than this to work on being selfless? That's something I want to work on this summer, selflessness. A wise nun recently cautioned me and my friends that the single life is a huge occasion towards selfishness because we live so much for ourselves when we have so much freedom and independence. Well, I guess I can consider this job as my healthy dose of not having things how I'd like them.

P.S. I've been thinking of using this blog as a channel to pray for people. So, if anyone is reading this and has any prayer intentions, please feel free to share them in the form of a comment so that I can join you in prayer. ^_^ Please pray for me as well.

Don't worry, I'll be fine

 Some decisions are so hard that whatever decision you makes seems hard. One day I'll know if I made the right call, but in the mean time I'm stuck with what I've got. A confused, bruised heart and hope that things will turn out right in the future. My dear friends, please forgive me for all of the times I've ever hurt you.

P.S. Nobody freak out. I'm not in the depths of despair or anything.

Dancing Through Life

Tonight my younger sisters had their annual ballet recital. They all danced beautifully and afterward all of their friends and their families came over to the house for a reception. Everything was lovely. It was nice to see all of my family enjoying time with their friends. I didn't really have any close friends over so I ended up entertaining five-year-olds and watching everyone have a good time.

The night left me feeling a bit melancholy. There was a time in my life when I saw all of my friends on a regular basis and they were integrated into my daily life while my family was also with me and part of my daily life. Now it seems that I am presented with a difficult "either" "or" scenario. I can either have a life at school, where I see most of my friends every day, but hardly see my family, or I can have a life at home where jobs and schedule conflicts keep my friends away, but I am with my family, to the extent that their schedules allow. I feel a bit out of place.

I love my family very much, but when I'm home I find myself often out of my element looking to whatever the future might hold. When I'm away from home, with my friends, I feel more like an adult and I definitely like the sense of direction and independence that spending time with my awesome peers allows, but I'm not home. I'm not as easily able to keep up with what's going on in the lives of my siblings and parents.

These last two weeks have been very busy for my family. Life at my home has always been like that. People never stop coming and going and rushing about. My life at school isn't like that. If I'm busy with something, it's school, but I feel that I have a very nice balance between work and rest and my free time isn't frantically divided between this party, this recital, this wedding, this youth group meeting, this rehearsal, this parish function, this family event, and that mission trip. At school there are three categories: work, social, and school. Work happens twice a week or less and only lasts for three hours at a time. School is time in class and time preparing for tests and other graded work. Social is with the same people and usually on campus so it usually amounts to staying home, only with friends.

At home, it isn't like that. I can go a whole week and have only spent a hour or two in the presence of any given family member. I haven't had a ton of places to go, but everyone else does and we are almost never here at the same time. If I want to have a heart to heart with one of my siblings it usually ends up being at around one in the morning. I've been home from school for two weeks and, even though I live in the same house as my family, I miss them. At home there are no categories for time. There is always something to do. There are always dishes to be washed, clothes to be folded, errands to run, kids to chauffeur, guests to entertain, etc. Don't get my wrong, I love my family and my home. I'm just not in the rhythm of my family's life.

As I look at the projected pattern for the summer schedule and think about throwing a summer job in the mix, I feel kind of sad. I just wish I could slow things down, not a great deal, just enough to take in the moments. I feel like everything is just flying past me. I guess that I get this way every summer. That's probably because there isn't a regular schedule in the summer and everything is a bit less organized.

I don't really expect that any one will feel much sympathy for me. I fully understand that this is a pretty small trouble. My family has a lot more going on right now than disorganized schedules, though, and so I've been working on keeping this to myself. (Let's see how long I can hold out. ^_^) Sometimes I feel like this blog is my own free therapy session. I can talk about whatever is on my mind, without adding to anyone else's trouble.

After having written this, I feel better. I really don't even think that I should post this one, but since I've already written and short novel, I'll ignore my impulses and go through with this. Well, life moves along and hopefully I'll just keep moving right along with it. Thanks for your prayers, whoever reads these and prays for me. =) G'night.