I'll Be Waiting

It's that time of year when everyone is busily preparing for Christmas, but it isn't Christmas yet, it's still Advent.  We're preparing and we're waiting.  I've always been terrible at waiting.  Ter-ri-ble.

I used to tell my older sister what I bought her for Christmas in the car ride home from purchasing it.  I tell most people far too much about me in the first meeting.  I binge-watched the entire second season of Fuller House the night that it came out (with the exception of the three episodes that I skipped because I wanted to hurry up and get to the part when they address whether or not DJ and Steve will get back together).  So, I'm sure you can all join me in appreciating the irony in the fact that my church youth group invited me to speak to the teens about Advent and waiting.

And yet, in spite of this irony, God has had me doing QUITE a great deal of waiting lately.  I feel called to marriage, but am currently single.  Waiting.  I am currently discerning the direction I want to move in for work.  Waiting.  I'm working on dealing with some spiritual and emotional wounds, but the progress is very slow and in tiny increments. Waiting.

Boy does God have a sense of humor, or what?  Or perhaps it's something more than God having a good-natured chuckle at my inability to wait.  Perhaps there is value in the waiting.  Perhaps there is something to be learned.

In this time of waiting, I've been trying to spend that time doing a good deal of pondering, soul-searching, praying, and discerning.  I've been learning how to live with myself, how to listen to God, and how persevere. I've even been learning to wait.  I've been learning ways to cope with waiting.  I'm learning slowly.  

But if you find yourself waiting, I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone and invite you to join me in seizing this great opportunity.  I'll be waiting! 😉

In Search of Love

Courtship Scene by Rudolf Alfred Hoeger

Given my age and current state in life, the topic of marriage, dating, etc. comes up quite often.  It's discussed at my place of work, with my family, with my friends, with strangers, and with new acquaintances.  Then, of course, there are all those blog posts, news articles, and e-mails about spouse-seeking young adults. There is so much being said about this topic that I am likely to repeat someone else's sentiments, but it's been coming up so often lately that I'd like to express my reflections on the subject.

I like to read old novels like "An Old Fashioned Girl," "Anne of Green Gables," "Pride and Prejudice."  My girl friends and I often share our delights over the sweet romantic scenes, the grand gestures, the noble heroes, etc. contained in such books as these.  We also occasionally find ourselves lamenting that we don't find such heroes and love stories in the modern era.

The reality is that the old model of courtship had plenty of it's own problems.  The pressure to marry was so great in the past the many people rushed into marriages with spouses who were hardly known to them, leaving them stuck in loveless marriages with the potential to be abusive, dysfunctional, and deeply broken. The mode of courtship often facilitated these types of marriages as it limited the types of topics that were permitted to be discussed and it ensured that there was always a third party present.  Still, one must admit that there was a certain clarity in the old mode of courtship.

While the notion of courtship was established and taught in society, there was a clear protocol of how to act.  If someone abused that protocol, there were societal sanctions enforced.

This is not a case to return to courtship of old.  Such a proposal is not feasible, nor beneficial, in my opinion.

Still the absence of a formal structure has caused some obvious problems that we as a society must find a way to overcome.

The societal pressure to marry has not gone away, it's only shifted or delayed.  This for numerous reasons, not necessarily all together or at the same time.  The three most common reasons, in my experience, are education, work, and age.  In the case of age, many people simply have no wish to marry as young.  They have the idea that if they wait, it will somehow better prepare them for marriage.  There is also the desire of people to "live while they're young." In the case of career and education, there is a sense that these things take precedence over marriage and starting a family.

These delays aside, the pressure remains.  Some might say that it is a biological urge to mate a procreate. Others might point to the spiritual and emotional need to love and be loved, for life.  Whether for these reasons or others, the pressure is real.

This pressure is compounded with a newer problem: the high divorce rate of our era.  This results in a great fear of making a commitment or, more specifically, making the wrong commitment.  No one wants to be tethered to the wrong partner for life, but a failed marriage is also less than ideal.  The desire to avoid either of these often breeds a fear of commitment.

In addition to these potential problems there is the the lack of structure in the modern souse-seeking process.

Some people prefer the "pick-up" method, wherein they approach a stranger at a bar, grocery store, church group, club, party, etc. and try to start up a conversation and arrange a first date or at the very least an exchange of contact information.

Others prefer an introduction through mutual friends or family.

Some prefer online dating.

Some prefer making friends with the intention of moving towards a romantic relationship.

Even after the initial meeting, the mode of pursuing a relationship varies greatly.

Some engage it was is commonly referred to as "talking," a concept loaded with so much more meaning than simply communicating.  Roughly speaking, it means talking, texting, and hanging out as a prelude to formally dating.  It is similar to a simple friendship, expect that it is pregnant with implications of being something more.

Other prefer the casual dating approach. In this approach they go on dates with the understanding these dates may or may not be repeated and that each person might be dating other people in the same manner.  Each date is treated as a more or less isolated event.

Others skip these methods and skip directly to an exclusive dating relationship.  This is a more formal way to date and its purpose is test the strength of the relationship and determine whether or not it will culminate in a marriage.

These are, of course, an oversimplification of the ways and methods one might use to seek out their future spouse, but that is precisely my point.  There is a broad spectrum of ways to get to know someone and pursue a romantic future with him or her.  The more possibilities that exist the more opportunity there is for confusion and miscommunication.

Add the aforementioned pressure to find a spouse and settle down, plus the fear of divorce and regretted commitment and this quickly becomes a fiasco.

I have lost count of the number of times I have listened to a friend troubling over uncertainty of where they stand in a relationship. "Are we just friends or does he/she like me?"  "Is he/she busy or am I getting the brush off?" "Are we exclusive or are we only together because he/she doesn't have any options?" "Can I ask where I stand or will that make him/her feel pressured?" "If I tell him/her how I feel, will it scare him/her away?" "Am I allowing myself to be used by talking to him/her so often without any indication of a relationship on the horizon?"  "Am I using him/her to fill an emotional void while waiting for something better to come along?"

Over and over again we find ourselves troubled by uncertainty, hurt by a lack of clarity, and/or wracked with anxiety about how to proceed.

My question is, can we do better?

Many smart people have given a great deal of thought to this matter. A lot of them present a number of very good or at least appealing ideas as solutions.  But what good are these ideas if they are only adopted by a handful of individuals?

If I agree that I must demand certain behaviors and behave in a certain way, will that really be effective if the men of my acquaintance have no knowledge of this?  If a man decides to follow a specific protocol in pursuing a girl and she has different ideas, then will his resolutions be for naught?

So, what can we do?  How do we improve?  I really do think that something must be done, but I am at a loss as to what.  What do you think?

Rules of Engagement

Advice from a Tomboy

This is a bit of advice that I offer from the position of having been close friends with a number of excellent guys and also from having five stunning sisters, who attract the attention of many a hopeful young man. I realize that I am not infallible. This is my opinion, which I have formed through many conversations with both of the aforementioned parties and much observation.

For many (hopefully most) of y'all, this will seem like common sense, and I thank God for you. For those who are surprised by this advice, all I ask is that, before you decide it isn't for you, take some time to actually think it over—it just might help spare you and those you love from years of unnecessary grief.

An additional disclaimer: these pieces of advice are a bit gender stereotyped because of my personal experience with these situations. Really these rules are for everyone and if you're breaking them, then you may want to rethink that decision.

For the Boys:

1. Don't be the “nice guy”.

I am not saying don't be a nice guy. I am saying don't be the “nice guy.” In case you don't have a computer or you spend little to no time online and are not familiar with the term “nice guy,” allow me to elaborate.

The nice guy is the guy who falls for a girl and then decides that she “owes” him a chance to win her in the context of a romantic relationship.

Here's the thing, gents: if you were not able to win her heart in the context of a friendship, a romantic relationship is not going to change that. If having known you for some length of time does not turn her heart in your direction, no amount of awkward dates, late night conversations, or charming gestures is going to change that. *Disclaimer: There are exceptions to this but it is generally best to assume you are the rule not the exception.*

No means no. If the girl turns you down, you need to let it go. Move on. You made a valiant effort, which she will respect you for—that is, unless you make yourself pathetic by repeatedly pleading at her feet for just one more chance.

Do not pretend to move on and hope that if you just keep doing nice, friendly things for her, she will suddenly see that you're the one for her.

Do not try again every year.

Do not tell all/any of your common friends how much you're in love with her. (They will most likely tell her and then she will be distressed and start to think that you're creepy. See #4.) Also, there is a high chance that your friends will find this type of confidence to be more than a little irritating.

Do move on. Let her go. Even if it means that you have to constantly remind yourself to abandon that dream, at some point you will really move on. Your feelings may be strong, but that doesn't mean they are her responsibility [or your eternal fate].

2. If you see a girl regularly, don't ask her out without actually getting to know her.

It's insulting to her and beneath you. While girls love it when their beauty is appreciated, they are not fans of the guys who project their ideal onto them and then never take the time to actually know the person. In other words, if a girl seems to be the perfect image of your fantasy girl, then you probably haven't gotten to know the girl that well. Fantasy people are not real (hence “fantasy”). The sooner to accept this, the better. (Really this applies to girls just as much...)

In a similar vein, do not confess your “undying love” to a girl that you don't know. Same reason as above.

3. Do not assume what hasn't been said. I know that girls are the queens of mixed signals and this is largely due to the fact that they believe in “hinting.” That said, if you haven't asked and she hasn't actually said that she likes you, do not assume that she does.

Every girl is different and that means the “sparkly eyes,” hair-twirling, special smile, sarcasm, random acts of kindness, etc. might not mean what you're thinking it means. Some girls really do put that much thought into every gesture—although I suspect that even those girls might only think that much about it when they're around the guy they like—but most girls are more like y'all than you'd think insofar as they just do whatever feels natural.

So, that time when your hands touched when you sat side by side could have been her sneaky way of letting you know that she thinks the world of you, but it's much more likely that she just wasn't paying attention to where her hand was resting. Don't over think it.

If you think she might like you and you like her, ask her out. If she says no, then leave it at that, no matter what your buddies tell you about the way her face “lights up” when you enter the room. Your buddies are WRONG. She told you herself. Listen to her.

4. Don't tell a girl when one of your buddies is thinking about asking her out. You are not Cupid. No matter how certain you are that your buddy needs an assist, resist that impulse.

Interference cannot be undone and your helpful heads-up may have just killed your pal's chances with the lady in question. And if you should happen to discover that the lady is not interested, do not keep apprising her of your pal's feelings for her.

These are not the actions of a wing man; these are the actions of a petty gossip. If he's going to ask her out, then he will man up and do it, and she will answer. Being the go-between just creates drama, diminishes your buddy's credibility as a man, and causes the gal to read into everything he does. All this because you decided that your pal couldn't handle this on his own.

For the Girls:

1. Enough with the hinting. 

If you want a gentleman to know something, just tell the poor guy. Don't create this intricate treasure map of clues for him to figure out that you're having a bad day, not interested, very interested, or whatever you're trying to clue him in to.

If it's not something that is appropriate for you to tell him, then you probably shouldn't be hinting about it either. If it's something that he must know, hinting is insufficient. I'm not talking about making the first move here (see #2); I'm talking about reciprocation, resolving conflict, reminding him of important dates, etc.

He probably won't figure out that you like him just because you wore his favorite color the other day—and meanwhile that “nice guy” in whom you have no interest will be reading into that fact because it’s also his favorite color. If you make it a rule to communicate in a straightforward way, then he'll get the message—and you'll have a clear precedent to fall back on when said “nice guy” accuses you of flirting with him.

2. You cannot answer a question that has not been asked. 

No matter how hard you try, it will not work. Telling that “nice guy” that you're not interested before he even asks you out will only result in the awkward, “Oh, I know! I completely understand where you're at and I'm not interested either” conversation.

If a guy is unrelentingly pursuing you in the passive manner that is so typical of “nice guys,” you may address the behaviors, but not the assumptions that you have drawn from said behaviors. In other words, if he keeps trying to hold your hand, the proper response is, “I do not like it when you try to hold my hand and would appreciate it if you stop,” not “Now, I hope that we're clearly understood that we are just friends and I am not romantically interested in you.”

I mean, you can try the second response, but you're either going to end up looking like an idiot when he tells you you've completely misread the situation or he's probably not going to listen to you and continue pining anyway.

Let him do the asking and you just deal with what is, not with what he might do.

Similarly, it is generally best to let the guy make the first move. If you want to date/marry a strong man, then you have to let him lead. This means not telling that guy you've secretly had a crush on for years that you like him. If he seems content to leave it at friendship, then just leave it at friendship. Or, tell him and risk losing the friendship or dating someone who's taking the “well, why not give it a try?” approach. In most cases, whoever starts in the lead stays in the lead.

3. Don't do the pity date. 

A man is a man and deserves to be treated like one. He is not a child. He can handle rejection, and you are not doing him any service by letting him believe that he stands a chance if you already know that he does not.

Imagine how emasculated he will feel when the awkward pity dates inevitably culminate in your confession to having gone out with him because he was so nice and you just “didn't want to hurt him.”

Rejection does hurt and he won't like it, but if you're not interested give the guy enough respect to treat him like an adult.

That doesn't mean that you have to be harsh about it, but be honest and clear. Don't use phrases like “not right now” and “maybe if things were different.” This leaves room for false hope. Just tell him thank you, but no, and only offer further explanation if he asks for it.

Consoling him is not your job. That's the job of his family and the idiot friends who convinced him that you loved him in the first place.

4. Don't listen to gossip about whether or not some guy likes you.

Whoever is telling you (even his best buddy) may be wrong and then you'll be all anxious and/or excited for no real reason. If he likes you and is serious about you, then he will make a move in his own good time.

What everyone else thinks or “knows” is irrelevant. If you catch your friends or his friends speculating about the two of you, shut it down and politely thank them not to meddle. Just discussing it may seem harmless but may also negatively alter the way that you think about that guy. Only deal with facts and your thoughts/feelings.

For all y'all crazy people:

1. Feelings < Thoughts

Yes, feelings are strong, distracting, and overwhelming. They also should not dictate your decisions, your actions, or really much else. You must be the master of yourself and let reason prevail (also discipline).

You ought not do something or abstain from doing simply because of how you feel. Feelings are not a sufficient reason. They are too changeable, too selfish, and many times have very poor timing. Listen to your heart (your heart, in this case, is not your emotions, but that deeper love that leads you to deny yourself and sacrifice your desires for the good of others), consider the solid advice of the wise people in your life, and let your conscience be your guide.

By all means, factor your feelings into your decisions, but don't let them dominate your interior forum. Logic, humility, and self-denying love should always take precedence. Trust me, they'll keep you out of a lot of trouble. And of course, as a friend added, the goal is happiness, not just pleasure.

Well, that's all folks!

-T

Whistle While You Work

Work has been rough lately.  I've been finding it to be pretty draining.  Every day I spend the majority of my day working with customers who are so caught up in their own needs, anxieties, and concerns that they often let it come out against me.  People can be so rude.  They can be short tempered, snappy, over-anxious, and oblivious.  So can I.  I often am.

I've been really grumpy lately.  Perhaps you can relate.  I've been regularly experiencing that oh-no-not-another-one-grumble-to-your-coworkers-snap-at-your-siblings-hiding-from-the-world sort of attitude over the last several days.  Weeks.  Okay, months.  Some way to spend Lent, right?

Given my sour mood, which fluctuates in degree on a day to day basis, I've been thinking a lot about what to do when such moods come up.

I work hard.  I work hard because it's important.  I work hard because it's my duty.  I work hard because it's expected.  I work hard because I don't want to do a half-way job.  Working hard is...hard.  It's also not enough.

In order for work to bear fruit, you need to unite to something more valuable - it needs to have meaning.  Some people look for meaning in the things that work will bring to their lives (e.g. money, a mental challenge, nice belongings, travels, etc.).  Others look for meaning in the work itself, seeking jobs that make a difference in the world or jobs that involve their personal passions.  Those answers are not always an option.  Many people do not have the liberty or the capabilities to choose a job that they find fulfilling in itself.  Others are unable to find work that pays out more than the minimum to live by.  So, what then?  How does one add meaning to the daily grind?  How does one save his spirit from the weight and the tediousness of the mundane?

For me, the answer is prayer.  The answer is martyrdom.  The answer is the crucifixion. When we make an effort to unite ourselves to Christ, every act has meaning.  This is true, not because of the greatness of our acts, but because of the greatness of his love.  Somehow, when walking through the day with Christ, we make it.  Often times, we just barely make it, but we do make it, with Christ.  I rarely feel Christ's presence as I struggle through those rough days, but I know that He is there.

Every day that I make it, I know that with more certainty.  Little by little, I am learning.  But lately, I'm struggling.  So, my dear friends, please say a prayer for me.  I'll be praying for you too.

Thanks!

-Therese