In Search of Love

Courtship Scene by Rudolf Alfred Hoeger

Given my age and current state in life, the topic of marriage, dating, etc. comes up quite often.  It's discussed at my place of work, with my family, with my friends, with strangers, and with new acquaintances.  Then, of course, there are all those blog posts, news articles, and e-mails about spouse-seeking young adults. There is so much being said about this topic that I am likely to repeat someone else's sentiments, but it's been coming up so often lately that I'd like to express my reflections on the subject.

I like to read old novels like "An Old Fashioned Girl," "Anne of Green Gables," "Pride and Prejudice."  My girl friends and I often share our delights over the sweet romantic scenes, the grand gestures, the noble heroes, etc. contained in such books as these.  We also occasionally find ourselves lamenting that we don't find such heroes and love stories in the modern era.

The reality is that the old model of courtship had plenty of it's own problems.  The pressure to marry was so great in the past the many people rushed into marriages with spouses who were hardly known to them, leaving them stuck in loveless marriages with the potential to be abusive, dysfunctional, and deeply broken. The mode of courtship often facilitated these types of marriages as it limited the types of topics that were permitted to be discussed and it ensured that there was always a third party present.  Still, one must admit that there was a certain clarity in the old mode of courtship.

While the notion of courtship was established and taught in society, there was a clear protocol of how to act.  If someone abused that protocol, there were societal sanctions enforced.

This is not a case to return to courtship of old.  Such a proposal is not feasible, nor beneficial, in my opinion.

Still the absence of a formal structure has caused some obvious problems that we as a society must find a way to overcome.

The societal pressure to marry has not gone away, it's only shifted or delayed.  This for numerous reasons, not necessarily all together or at the same time.  The three most common reasons, in my experience, are education, work, and age.  In the case of age, many people simply have no wish to marry as young.  They have the idea that if they wait, it will somehow better prepare them for marriage.  There is also the desire of people to "live while they're young." In the case of career and education, there is a sense that these things take precedence over marriage and starting a family.

These delays aside, the pressure remains.  Some might say that it is a biological urge to mate a procreate. Others might point to the spiritual and emotional need to love and be loved, for life.  Whether for these reasons or others, the pressure is real.

This pressure is compounded with a newer problem: the high divorce rate of our era.  This results in a great fear of making a commitment or, more specifically, making the wrong commitment.  No one wants to be tethered to the wrong partner for life, but a failed marriage is also less than ideal.  The desire to avoid either of these often breeds a fear of commitment.

In addition to these potential problems there is the the lack of structure in the modern souse-seeking process.

Some people prefer the "pick-up" method, wherein they approach a stranger at a bar, grocery store, church group, club, party, etc. and try to start up a conversation and arrange a first date or at the very least an exchange of contact information.

Others prefer an introduction through mutual friends or family.

Some prefer online dating.

Some prefer making friends with the intention of moving towards a romantic relationship.

Even after the initial meeting, the mode of pursuing a relationship varies greatly.

Some engage it was is commonly referred to as "talking," a concept loaded with so much more meaning than simply communicating.  Roughly speaking, it means talking, texting, and hanging out as a prelude to formally dating.  It is similar to a simple friendship, expect that it is pregnant with implications of being something more.

Other prefer the casual dating approach. In this approach they go on dates with the understanding these dates may or may not be repeated and that each person might be dating other people in the same manner.  Each date is treated as a more or less isolated event.

Others skip these methods and skip directly to an exclusive dating relationship.  This is a more formal way to date and its purpose is test the strength of the relationship and determine whether or not it will culminate in a marriage.

These are, of course, an oversimplification of the ways and methods one might use to seek out their future spouse, but that is precisely my point.  There is a broad spectrum of ways to get to know someone and pursue a romantic future with him or her.  The more possibilities that exist the more opportunity there is for confusion and miscommunication.

Add the aforementioned pressure to find a spouse and settle down, plus the fear of divorce and regretted commitment and this quickly becomes a fiasco.

I have lost count of the number of times I have listened to a friend troubling over uncertainty of where they stand in a relationship. "Are we just friends or does he/she like me?"  "Is he/she busy or am I getting the brush off?" "Are we exclusive or are we only together because he/she doesn't have any options?" "Can I ask where I stand or will that make him/her feel pressured?" "If I tell him/her how I feel, will it scare him/her away?" "Am I allowing myself to be used by talking to him/her so often without any indication of a relationship on the horizon?"  "Am I using him/her to fill an emotional void while waiting for something better to come along?"

Over and over again we find ourselves troubled by uncertainty, hurt by a lack of clarity, and/or wracked with anxiety about how to proceed.

My question is, can we do better?

Many smart people have given a great deal of thought to this matter. A lot of them present a number of very good or at least appealing ideas as solutions.  But what good are these ideas if they are only adopted by a handful of individuals?

If I agree that I must demand certain behaviors and behave in a certain way, will that really be effective if the men of my acquaintance have no knowledge of this?  If a man decides to follow a specific protocol in pursuing a girl and she has different ideas, then will his resolutions be for naught?

So, what can we do?  How do we improve?  I really do think that something must be done, but I am at a loss as to what.  What do you think?

Darkness Falling

Days were bleeding together like ink on a page in the rain. Details were fading for her who once remembered every detail. Now there were only feelings left. Pain. Loneliness. Emptiness. Abandonment. Sorrow. Longing. Desire. Fear. 

What could she do? Where could she turn?  Steeped with shadow, she was filled with shame, but more than that, those things which had led her to that point still lingered. Darkness had fallen.

One by one she had watched her dreams shatter like a delicate, crystal, tree ornament hitting a tile floor. So lovely and cherished before, now in sharp, dangerous pieces. She must let then go, but how can she? They were so treasured. Desperate to hold on, she clutches at them and they bite back at her, tearing her soft flesh. 

Poor blood-soaked dreams, now in shambles. Lost. 

Why? 

Are none of her dreams safe? Will none of them come to fruition? Are they all empty promises?

And You, God? You who promise to give the desires of her heart, what will You do? 

But she resists You. You would heal her, but she is still clinging to broken dreams in her now torn flesh. She would not give them up. Like a wild animal in a painful snare, she blindly struggles against You. 

Please. No. Not these dreams. Please let me keep them. Please give them back to me, whole and beautiful as they once were. Without them, I will be forgotten and alone. I cannot bear it. Please. 

Without these, I will have nothing.  

You will have Me. 

I'm afraid. 

Do not be afraid. 

To remove the shards, will be painful, she knows, and she wants to pull away. She wants to run. 

Please. Let Me help you. You will die. 

I'm afraid. 

Trust me. 

I can't. 

She sobs. Even as the first shard is removed she stares after it with longing. That dream was precious. That dream was beautiful. 

Let it go now. 

How? I cannot forget what it was. What it could be. How do I stop holding on?

Trust me. 

It hurts, deep inside. I am so tired of this hurt. Help me. 

You must let go. Then you must let Me heal you. 

You. Will You tell my why these dreams had to be broken? 

I will give you something better.

When?

When you are ready. 

How slow she is to heal. And even now, she looks for the shards to the lost dreams. If only she had been more careful with those dreams, would they then be hers to keep? Would they transform into beautiful reality?

Those were only illusions. What I will give you is real and beautiful beyond compare. 

But it is not easy to forget long treasured dreams. Even now she seeks to treasure their shards, cruel and treacherous. 

A dark voice whispers evil words within her. 

You will lose it all and be left all alone. This is your fate. Darkness. Loneliness. Emptiness. This is all that awaits you. 

No. 

Help me!

Come to Me!

My dreams...

She clutches once again at the stabbing fragments. 

Leave them. 

I'll have nothing. 

You shall have Me. I shall be with you. I shall protect you. Let me help you, precious one. Come to me. 

A gleam of light pierces through the darkness. A hand reaches down to save her.  [continued below]

Today, as if in answer to this post, this was read at Mass:

Romans 8:22-27

"We know that all creation is groaning in labor pains even until now; and not only that, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, we also groan within ourselves as we wait for adoption, the redemption of our bodies. For in hope we were saved. Now hope that sees for itself is not hope. For who hopes for what one sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait with endurance. In the same way, the Spirit too comes to the aid of our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we ought, but the Spirit itself intercedes with inexpressible groanings. And the one who searches hearts knows what is the intention of the Spirit, because it intercedes for the holy ones according to God’s will."

Purchased with Pain

I was recently reading the book "He and I" and in it there is a passage in which God asks the author if she realizes that she has been purchased with His pain.  The idea may seem strange, even off-putting at first, but it didn't to me.  It immediately resonated with me and I thought I that was strange.

Purchased with pain.

Is such a thing possible?  When watching films, I often find myself rooting for the unrequited love.  I'm a sucker for the tragic underdog (see my post on Eponine).  If in the end he doesn't get the girl, I feel a bit cheated.  Why?

Well, I feel that the answer is best illustrated with the example of the splendid story of Cyrano de Bergerac.  Cyrano is a man in love with the fair Roxanne, who in turn is love with one Christian.  Cyrano pines for Roxanne and, in his way, pours out his love for her through the eloquent words, which he lends to Christian.  Though Cyrano burns with love for Roxanne, he dares not make it know.  For him, it is enough that Roxanne knows that she is loved deeply and ardently, even if she does not know the love is from him.

Christian also loves Roxanne but his words fail him.  He is content to use Cyrano's beautiful words to woo his love rather than risk losing the lady altogether.  When Christian and Cyrano are sent to the front lines of war, Christian frequently seeks out Cyrano to help pen a letter to properly express his love.  Cyrano however, is not content with that.  He daily sneaks across enemy lines to make sure that his love is never left without a new letter to read, which reassures her of his fidelity and love.  He signs Christian's name to these letters.  Once Christian becomes aware of this, he insists that Cyrano offers his own suit to Roxanne and that the truth be known.

Christian is not a bad man, nor a coward, nor a fool, nor an unattractive fellow, yet my heart is softened towards the plight of dear Cyrano.  Why?  Why is Cyrano's suit more worthy than Christian's?  Some might argue that Cyrano loves Roxanne more than Christian and I am inclined to agree with that, but I want to press for the answer of how do we measure that love?  How do we know that Cyrano's love is greater?

I put forth the idea that it is the amount of personal loss and suffering that Cyrano endures for the sake of Roxanne.  Christian wants to put himself on the line for the sake of his love.  He is fully prepared to make the truth known to her so that she may freely choose whom to love.  His untimely death robs him of this noble sacrifice and so the only one of the two suitors suffer for his love is Cyrano, who can't bring himself to tell Roxanne the truth even after Christian's passing, for both Christian and Roxanne's sake.

It was the great suffering of Cyrano's love that enshrines him in our hearts.  How much pain he bore for the sake of his love!  He bears it without complaint or thought for himself.   What heart can resist such love?  Has he not purchased his right to love and be loved through his great suffering?

Is it not also thus with Christ?  Who can resist such self-giving love?  It is disarming, intoxicating, alluring, moving, and overwhelming.   It is a love that asks only to love and be loved.  It is a love that seeks to bring about our perfect happiness.  It is a love that selflessly seeks to give us all we desire, at the deepest level, regardless of personal cost.  If you have not found this to be so, then I invite to seek Him out and experience that love.  It will transform your life in the most beautiful way.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Additional Comments
Here are some follow up thoughts in the form of a conversation with a friend of mine who we'll call "Wesley"

• Wesley Nice, now I don't have to comment on your blog where everything I say will be visible for as long as blogger continues to exist.
  I have a question not addressed by your post, which seemed to simply point out that oftentimes love is purchased with suffering, without saying whether this lesson has any practical implications for loving.
  I am wondering mainly whether undergoing suffering to purchase someone's love is an appropriate course of action. It's a Romantic notion, of course, and the Romantic in me is fascinated, but as we know the Romantics were often excessive and disordered. It's also noble to suffer for one you love, but is it quite as noble when your intention is to purchase? Cyrano suffered, not intending to purchase love, but in fact solely for the sake of his beloved so that she would be literally in blissful ignorance of his feelings, if I'm not mistaken.
  And of course by "love" here we mean some kind of bond specifically between two friends, in addition to the charity which one should always work for between all people. (Christ didn't say "Don't have enemies," because friendship has to be mutual and if not everybody returns your love, that's not your fault; rather, He said "Love your enemies" so I think that's not exactly the kind of love we're talking about here, though related.)
  There, now I said it. Facebookers, please read her blog, it's quite good, and I don't like half of it half as well as it deserves.

  
  
• Therese I suppose my response must be that insomuch as all love requires self-denial there cannot be true loving without suffering. That said, love is willing the good of the other as other, so "unhealthy" or dysfunctional suffering would not be good for the lover or the other. Such things require prudence and patience

  
  
• Wesley I'm not sure that answered my basic question (other than the admonition to patience and prudence). You already know that I believe that suffering together is like cement to true friendship.
  What I'm wondering is, can the suffering be undertaken *in order to* gain another's love, or is that a mistake? because I don't think that's what Cyrano does. I'm talking more of someone who makes sacrifices for someone else and hopes to be rewarded with their love, a sort of "winning" that person over through suffering (meriting their love, if you will). Somehow I can see that being a wrong approach, though it's a fascinating idea. I understand that you might not have meant to suggest this idea at all, but it occurred to me nonetheless.

  
  
• Therese Ah, then my answer is no. I don't think so. Unless the one being loved also happens to be a sadist

  
  
• Wesley LOL That bad, eh? I really missed it that time.

  
  
• Therese In other words suffering for the sake of suffering is masochism. Even the saints advise against intentionally seeking out suffering. They simply say to accept it when it comes. Cyrano does not go out of his way to be miserable, but, believing that the thorns he bears will bring about the happiness of his love, embraces the misery with joy. In the same way, Christ did not put Himself on the cross and gave Judas and Pilate the free choice to not put him there, but knowing that it would come in order to bring about our salvation, He embraced it
• Therese When we offer our sufferings for Christ, it is not our pain that He delights in but our willingness to die to self for the sake of drawing nearer to him. Indeed, when we feel the chafing of our crosses, Christ empathizes with us, He does not take pleasure in our distress.
• Wesley In response to part of that: one scenario I was thinking of was: lover sees difficult thing that would make beloved happy; lover undergoes difficult thing and suffers in process, but not selflessly for the beloved but rather so that she (or he) will notice the sacrifice; lover thus purchases admiration and love, not because beloved enjoys the suffering but rather admires the sacrifice...but may or may not realize that it was done with the intention of that very result!
  In response to the part about Christ, what you said makes sense to me.

  
  
• Therese  Yes, but that's where we get into willing the good of the other. Often, when we pursue things to "make others happy" for the sake of winning them over it turns out that we become rather undiscerning in what we suffer. This turns us into a yes-man, a doormat, and also a dead weight. It becomes manipulative and the object of our affections would perceive it, even if only subconsciously, at one point or another. It leads the object of love feeling claustrophobic and burdened.

  
  

  Wesley Exactly what I was looking for. Great analysis. Thanks!

Whistle While You Work

Work has been rough lately.  I've been finding it to be pretty draining.  Every day I spend the majority of my day working with customers who are so caught up in their own needs, anxieties, and concerns that they often let it come out against me.  People can be so rude.  They can be short tempered, snappy, over-anxious, and oblivious.  So can I.  I often am.

I've been really grumpy lately.  Perhaps you can relate.  I've been regularly experiencing that oh-no-not-another-one-grumble-to-your-coworkers-snap-at-your-siblings-hiding-from-the-world sort of attitude over the last several days.  Weeks.  Okay, months.  Some way to spend Lent, right?

Given my sour mood, which fluctuates in degree on a day to day basis, I've been thinking a lot about what to do when such moods come up.

I work hard.  I work hard because it's important.  I work hard because it's my duty.  I work hard because it's expected.  I work hard because I don't want to do a half-way job.  Working hard is...hard.  It's also not enough.

In order for work to bear fruit, you need to unite to something more valuable - it needs to have meaning.  Some people look for meaning in the things that work will bring to their lives (e.g. money, a mental challenge, nice belongings, travels, etc.).  Others look for meaning in the work itself, seeking jobs that make a difference in the world or jobs that involve their personal passions.  Those answers are not always an option.  Many people do not have the liberty or the capabilities to choose a job that they find fulfilling in itself.  Others are unable to find work that pays out more than the minimum to live by.  So, what then?  How does one add meaning to the daily grind?  How does one save his spirit from the weight and the tediousness of the mundane?

For me, the answer is prayer.  The answer is martyrdom.  The answer is the crucifixion. When we make an effort to unite ourselves to Christ, every act has meaning.  This is true, not because of the greatness of our acts, but because of the greatness of his love.  Somehow, when walking through the day with Christ, we make it.  Often times, we just barely make it, but we do make it, with Christ.  I rarely feel Christ's presence as I struggle through those rough days, but I know that He is there.

Every day that I make it, I know that with more certainty.  Little by little, I am learning.  But lately, I'm struggling.  So, my dear friends, please say a prayer for me.  I'll be praying for you too.

Thanks!

-Therese

On Dissapointment, Loneliness, and Eponine

Do you ever have those times when you feel as if life has just smacked you down? One minute you're on top of the world looking around you with joy and wonder, then, suddenly, you find you've faceplanted in the pavement. Well, I know enough people who've gone through something similar to that this in the recent past to hazard that, at one time or another, you have too - probably in the context of a relationship, although not necessarily.

Eponine

Well, I recently had the pleasure of viewing the film adaptation of the stage production of Victor Hugo's Les Miserables. I would like to take this opportunity to highlight the breif but beautiful life of my favorite character, Eponine Thenardier. I promise that this relates to my beginning, but first, some back story.

Eponine was born to two horrible parents who made their living by cheating, stealing, conning, and blackmailing anyone. When she was a child, they spoiled her rotten an when she grew older, they expected her to pull her weight in the family business and she did. But unlike her parents, Eponine did not care much for the twisted life she was born into, and began to look for other interests besides gaining at the expense of others.

Then she met Marius. He was everything she wasn't. She was poor, he was wealthy. She was a street urchin, he was a student. She was jaded and wounded, he was hopeful and idealistic. She was a little nothing, and – to her at least – he was everything. There was only one problem. Marius did not feel the same way about Eponine. At best, he viewed Eponine as a good friend, but most days he barely seemed to notice her. Still, she was content just to be near him.

Epnonine realizes that Marius love Cosette

Then, one day, Eponine's worst nightmare became reality when Marius fell in love with a soft, innocent, beautiful, and wealthy young lady, by the name of Cosette.

Eponine was devastated. How could this be true? Marius who barely noticed any woman beyond his books and his revolutionary ideas, finally had that look that Eponine had dreamt so many times of seeing in his eyes, but it was not for her. No, it was for Cosette, a girl who Eponine knew as a child under quite different circumstances.

Marius knew nothing about Cosette, not even her name. Knowing Eponine's street smart ways, Marius turns to her to help him find Cosette. The fate of this budding romance was completely in Eponine's hands, but Marius' pleas could did fall on deaf ears and she agreed to help him find his love.

She led Marius to his love and kept watch for them both as they met in secret to express and exchange their love for one another. She went head to head with her father to protect them both. Then the revolution began and Marius and Cosette were parted, they feared forever. Epopine, unable to bear the idea of Marius fighting alone, disguised herself as a boy and joined him at the barracades.

Here the movie and the play differ.

*SPOILER ALERT *

In the play: Marius discovered Eponine's presence and commissioned her to bring a letter to Cossette. Eponine did as Marius asks, but on her way back to the barricade, she is fatally wounded.

In the film: Eponine carried a letter from Cosette, but could not bring herself to deliver it to Marius after she had joined him at the barricade. She took a bullet for Marius and as she lay dying, confessed her trangression and gave him Cosette's letter.

Wounded, Eponine comforts Marius as she dies

In both: As Eponine lay dying in Marius' arms, she softly tells him not to worry and assures him that his presence is enough to make her feel no pain. She comforts Marius and urges him not to fret (“A Little Fall ofRain”). Then she dies, happily near her beloved during her last moments.

Okay, so what does this have to do with life smacking you down? Well, for starters, it gives a beautiful example of how to face difficulty. When Eponine is confronted with the tragedy of her life, which shows no sign of improvement even in the most disdant future, she does not despair, nor does she wallow in her sorrow. She looks at the reality of her situation and faces it head on. She forces herself to recognize the truth that the thing she wants, will never be. She does not try to force her feelings on Marius, nor does she let her disappointment serve as a motive to stand in the way of his happiness. She is completely selfless on that front.

Now, some, might accuse Eponine of being a bit of a doormat and somewhat pathetic, but I do not agree. I believe that had she lived, she would have found joy in loving Cosette and Marius and their children and in her own time, after her heart had healed from it's disappointment, I believe that Eponine would've found her true love. But regardless of what she may have done if the chance had been given, the fact remains, that in the end, Eponine chose to think of others over herself. As a result, she dies happy and full of peace, not hanging on to resentment, broken dreams, or bitter longings.

Love is willing the good of the other. Love is not getting your way or giving someone else their way. Love is not allowing yourself to be used or to use others. Love is self-giving, self-sacrifice, forgiveness, patience, humility, hope, and so much more. Eponine chose love of another over love of herself.

Her great love, triumphs over her criminal lifestyle, her broken heart, her empty dreams, and her tragic death. When people think of the character of Eponine, then think on her with bitter-sweet recollection. She was the girl who gave all she had for an unrequited love. And because she truly loved, that was truly enough.

Epnonine had wisdom too. She had the wisdom to know that her paths was never meant to intertwine with that of Marius. She had the wisdom to know that one ought not to put the pulls of loneliness about the pulls of friendship. She had the wisdom to know that something bigger and more important that her was at work in all their lives and the author of that work would care for them all.

The spirits of Eponine, Fantine, and Valjean watching over Cosette and Marius

Eponine's last lines in the musical are, “And remember, the truth that once was spoken, 'To love another person is to see the face of God.'”

So, to any of my readers who are struggling with disappointment or hurt of some kind, please know this: you are not alone. You're not the only one who feels hurt, overlooked, forgotten, and/or rejected. How you respond to it is your choice. You can make yourself a victim or you can be the hero. Being the hero is difficult and probably no one will notice, but you will find peace in the sacrifice you make for the love of another. Being the victim keeps you sad, miserable, and lonely. It also burdens those who love you.

Personally, I believe that being the hero, or at least, trying to be the hero, is by far the better way. I don't know that I've ever actually succeeded on that plan, but I've always found that the simple act of trying helps me get through the confusing, painful part. I find Eponine's story incredibly inspiring and she is my favorite character in Les Mis. She is beautiful, simple, and unimportant. She is tragic. She is amazing.

Maybe one day someone will be inspired by my story or yours. So, don't give up and keep on trying to love better.

Love,

T