When My Father Fails

Fathers are so important.  Studies show that a strong father figure is extremely important to a child's development. Yet, it is no secret that we are having quite a crisis of fatherhood in our society.  Many fathers are absent or maybe present, but very distant.  And even the best of fathers have their shortcomings.  So what do we do?  I'm not asking how we can reform society and fix fathers everywhere, but rather, I am reflecting on the question of how we ought to handle it when our own father's fail. (Just a disclaimer, I am not talking about abusive relationships.  If you find yourself in an abusive situation, you need to get some professional help ASAP.)

I have been uniquely blessed to grow up in a very loving home, with both mother and father still in the picture and happily married.  This is increasingly not the norm in our world.  But even with a childhood that could easily be called idyllic, there were moments when the combination of my human frailty and that of my parents, left me feeling hurt, confused, and unloved, because that's what sin does.  Until we are all sinless, we will inevitably hurt those we love, even unintentionally.

A few recent conversations with some friends and the youth with whom I work brought forth the question of how to handle the weakness of our parents.  Children naturally resist the idea of their parents having flaws.  They want to believe that daddy is a superhero who will never fail us. But the fact remains that sometimes our parents fail us.

I am admittedly not an expert on this topic, but these are some things that I have learned in my short years on this earth about this particular quandary.  Many of these lessons apply for dealing with the shortcoming of any other person, including ourselves.

1. Accept him as he is.
Those moments of failure hurt so much more when we have unrealistic expectations of our fathers. In recognizing his areas of weakness, then you can be prepared for it when it comes. Show him the same mercy and patience that God shows you when you try to overcome your weaknesses.  My relationship with my own dad became so much smoother when I came to understand his fear, insecurities, struggles, etc.

2. Love him.
In the face of disappointment, hurt, loneliness, continue to shower your father with love.  Find out his love language and use it.  Don't do it to change him or to win love in return.  Don't do it for thanks or for praise.  Just love him and make sure he knows it.  Dad's need that love as much as you do and they are often overlooked.  As the "child" in the parent/child relationship, it is easy to get caught up in your own needs and forget that your dad needs your love too, even if you don't feel like you're getting anything out of it.

3. Forgive him.
This one may [most likely] have to be one that you have recommit to moment by moment. Your relationship with your father will rapidly become unbearable if you don't find a way to let go of past hurts.  They build up.  If you don't let them go, then the relationship just ends up being one giant wound.  Counseling and or spiritual direction is extremely helpful if your hurts are not something you can let go on your own.

4. Apologize.
It takes humility to apologize, especially if we're convicted that we're not the only offending party.  But a little humility goes a long way, even if we can't see the results.  Sometimes we are unaware of the degree things we say or do can hurt our parents.  It is not little thing to learn to recognize when you could have done things better and apologize for your own shortcomings.  Extra points for apologizing before he brings up the issue with you.

5. Get some extra father figures.
In addition to working on your relationship with your own father, it's important that your need for a good father figure is being met.  It's not in any way cheating on your dad to have a couple of "adopted" fathers in your life. They can be a great sounding board and offer fresh perspectives when you need.  I find these father figures in my uncles and the many holy priests that I have known.

6. Let God be your father.
We have a perfect father who never, ever fails us in God the Father.  He is always ready to heal your wounds, forgive you, affirm you, hold you...All you have to do is turn to Him and let Him do those things for you.  Building your relationship with God the Father will do so much to help and console you.  Don't waste that precious opportunity.

So, those are my tips for a better relationship with your daddy.  I want to give a special shout out/thank you to my own wonderful father, who has always done his best to let me know how much he loves and cares for me.  I admire him immensely and I wouldn't be who I am today without him.

Darkness Falling

Days were bleeding together like ink on a page in the rain. Details were fading for her who once remembered every detail. Now there were only feelings left. Pain. Loneliness. Emptiness. Abandonment. Sorrow. Longing. Desire. Fear. 

What could she do? Where could she turn?  Steeped with shadow, she was filled with shame, but more than that, those things which had led her to that point still lingered. Darkness had fallen.

One by one she had watched her dreams shatter like a delicate, crystal, tree ornament hitting a tile floor. So lovely and cherished before, now in sharp, dangerous pieces. She must let then go, but how can she? They were so treasured. Desperate to hold on, she clutches at them and they bite back at her, tearing her soft flesh. 

Poor blood-soaked dreams, now in shambles. Lost. 

Why? 

Are none of her dreams safe? Will none of them come to fruition? Are they all empty promises?

And You, God? You who promise to give the desires of her heart, what will You do? 

But she resists You. You would heal her, but she is still clinging to broken dreams in her now torn flesh. She would not give them up. Like a wild animal in a painful snare, she blindly struggles against You. 

Please. No. Not these dreams. Please let me keep them. Please give them back to me, whole and beautiful as they once were. Without them, I will be forgotten and alone. I cannot bear it. Please. 

Without these, I will have nothing.  

You will have Me. 

I'm afraid. 

Do not be afraid. 

To remove the shards, will be painful, she knows, and she wants to pull away. She wants to run. 

Please. Let Me help you. You will die. 

I'm afraid. 

Trust me. 

I can't. 

She sobs. Even as the first shard is removed she stares after it with longing. That dream was precious. That dream was beautiful. 

Let it go now. 

How? I cannot forget what it was. What it could be. How do I stop holding on?

Trust me. 

It hurts, deep inside. I am so tired of this hurt. Help me. 

You must let go. Then you must let Me heal you. 

You. Will You tell my why these dreams had to be broken? 

I will give you something better.

When?

When you are ready. 

How slow she is to heal. And even now, she looks for the shards to the lost dreams. If only she had been more careful with those dreams, would they then be hers to keep? Would they transform into beautiful reality?

Those were only illusions. What I will give you is real and beautiful beyond compare. 

But it is not easy to forget long treasured dreams. Even now she seeks to treasure their shards, cruel and treacherous. 

A dark voice whispers evil words within her. 

You will lose it all and be left all alone. This is your fate. Darkness. Loneliness. Emptiness. This is all that awaits you. 

No. 

Help me!

Come to Me!

My dreams...

She clutches once again at the stabbing fragments. 

Leave them. 

I'll have nothing. 

You shall have Me. I shall be with you. I shall protect you. Let me help you, precious one. Come to me. 

A gleam of light pierces through the darkness. A hand reaches down to save her.  [continued below]

Today, as if in answer to this post, this was read at Mass:

Romans 8:22-27

"We know that all creation is groaning in labor pains even until now; and not only that, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, we also groan within ourselves as we wait for adoption, the redemption of our bodies. For in hope we were saved. Now hope that sees for itself is not hope. For who hopes for what one sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait with endurance. In the same way, the Spirit too comes to the aid of our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we ought, but the Spirit itself intercedes with inexpressible groanings. And the one who searches hearts knows what is the intention of the Spirit, because it intercedes for the holy ones according to God’s will."

Purchased with Pain

I was recently reading the book "He and I" and in it there is a passage in which God asks the author if she realizes that she has been purchased with His pain.  The idea may seem strange, even off-putting at first, but it didn't to me.  It immediately resonated with me and I thought I that was strange.

Purchased with pain.

Is such a thing possible?  When watching films, I often find myself rooting for the unrequited love.  I'm a sucker for the tragic underdog (see my post on Eponine).  If in the end he doesn't get the girl, I feel a bit cheated.  Why?

Well, I feel that the answer is best illustrated with the example of the splendid story of Cyrano de Bergerac.  Cyrano is a man in love with the fair Roxanne, who in turn is love with one Christian.  Cyrano pines for Roxanne and, in his way, pours out his love for her through the eloquent words, which he lends to Christian.  Though Cyrano burns with love for Roxanne, he dares not make it know.  For him, it is enough that Roxanne knows that she is loved deeply and ardently, even if she does not know the love is from him.

Christian also loves Roxanne but his words fail him.  He is content to use Cyrano's beautiful words to woo his love rather than risk losing the lady altogether.  When Christian and Cyrano are sent to the front lines of war, Christian frequently seeks out Cyrano to help pen a letter to properly express his love.  Cyrano however, is not content with that.  He daily sneaks across enemy lines to make sure that his love is never left without a new letter to read, which reassures her of his fidelity and love.  He signs Christian's name to these letters.  Once Christian becomes aware of this, he insists that Cyrano offers his own suit to Roxanne and that the truth be known.

Christian is not a bad man, nor a coward, nor a fool, nor an unattractive fellow, yet my heart is softened towards the plight of dear Cyrano.  Why?  Why is Cyrano's suit more worthy than Christian's?  Some might argue that Cyrano loves Roxanne more than Christian and I am inclined to agree with that, but I want to press for the answer of how do we measure that love?  How do we know that Cyrano's love is greater?

I put forth the idea that it is the amount of personal loss and suffering that Cyrano endures for the sake of Roxanne.  Christian wants to put himself on the line for the sake of his love.  He is fully prepared to make the truth known to her so that she may freely choose whom to love.  His untimely death robs him of this noble sacrifice and so the only one of the two suitors suffer for his love is Cyrano, who can't bring himself to tell Roxanne the truth even after Christian's passing, for both Christian and Roxanne's sake.

It was the great suffering of Cyrano's love that enshrines him in our hearts.  How much pain he bore for the sake of his love!  He bears it without complaint or thought for himself.   What heart can resist such love?  Has he not purchased his right to love and be loved through his great suffering?

Is it not also thus with Christ?  Who can resist such self-giving love?  It is disarming, intoxicating, alluring, moving, and overwhelming.   It is a love that asks only to love and be loved.  It is a love that seeks to bring about our perfect happiness.  It is a love that selflessly seeks to give us all we desire, at the deepest level, regardless of personal cost.  If you have not found this to be so, then I invite to seek Him out and experience that love.  It will transform your life in the most beautiful way.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Additional Comments
Here are some follow up thoughts in the form of a conversation with a friend of mine who we'll call "Wesley"

• Wesley Nice, now I don't have to comment on your blog where everything I say will be visible for as long as blogger continues to exist.
  I have a question not addressed by your post, which seemed to simply point out that oftentimes love is purchased with suffering, without saying whether this lesson has any practical implications for loving.
  I am wondering mainly whether undergoing suffering to purchase someone's love is an appropriate course of action. It's a Romantic notion, of course, and the Romantic in me is fascinated, but as we know the Romantics were often excessive and disordered. It's also noble to suffer for one you love, but is it quite as noble when your intention is to purchase? Cyrano suffered, not intending to purchase love, but in fact solely for the sake of his beloved so that she would be literally in blissful ignorance of his feelings, if I'm not mistaken.
  And of course by "love" here we mean some kind of bond specifically between two friends, in addition to the charity which one should always work for between all people. (Christ didn't say "Don't have enemies," because friendship has to be mutual and if not everybody returns your love, that's not your fault; rather, He said "Love your enemies" so I think that's not exactly the kind of love we're talking about here, though related.)
  There, now I said it. Facebookers, please read her blog, it's quite good, and I don't like half of it half as well as it deserves.

  
  
• Therese I suppose my response must be that insomuch as all love requires self-denial there cannot be true loving without suffering. That said, love is willing the good of the other as other, so "unhealthy" or dysfunctional suffering would not be good for the lover or the other. Such things require prudence and patience

  
  
• Wesley I'm not sure that answered my basic question (other than the admonition to patience and prudence). You already know that I believe that suffering together is like cement to true friendship.
  What I'm wondering is, can the suffering be undertaken *in order to* gain another's love, or is that a mistake? because I don't think that's what Cyrano does. I'm talking more of someone who makes sacrifices for someone else and hopes to be rewarded with their love, a sort of "winning" that person over through suffering (meriting their love, if you will). Somehow I can see that being a wrong approach, though it's a fascinating idea. I understand that you might not have meant to suggest this idea at all, but it occurred to me nonetheless.

  
  
• Therese Ah, then my answer is no. I don't think so. Unless the one being loved also happens to be a sadist

  
  
• Wesley LOL That bad, eh? I really missed it that time.

  
  
• Therese In other words suffering for the sake of suffering is masochism. Even the saints advise against intentionally seeking out suffering. They simply say to accept it when it comes. Cyrano does not go out of his way to be miserable, but, believing that the thorns he bears will bring about the happiness of his love, embraces the misery with joy. In the same way, Christ did not put Himself on the cross and gave Judas and Pilate the free choice to not put him there, but knowing that it would come in order to bring about our salvation, He embraced it
• Therese When we offer our sufferings for Christ, it is not our pain that He delights in but our willingness to die to self for the sake of drawing nearer to him. Indeed, when we feel the chafing of our crosses, Christ empathizes with us, He does not take pleasure in our distress.
• Wesley In response to part of that: one scenario I was thinking of was: lover sees difficult thing that would make beloved happy; lover undergoes difficult thing and suffers in process, but not selflessly for the beloved but rather so that she (or he) will notice the sacrifice; lover thus purchases admiration and love, not because beloved enjoys the suffering but rather admires the sacrifice...but may or may not realize that it was done with the intention of that very result!
  In response to the part about Christ, what you said makes sense to me.

  
  
• Therese  Yes, but that's where we get into willing the good of the other. Often, when we pursue things to "make others happy" for the sake of winning them over it turns out that we become rather undiscerning in what we suffer. This turns us into a yes-man, a doormat, and also a dead weight. It becomes manipulative and the object of our affections would perceive it, even if only subconsciously, at one point or another. It leads the object of love feeling claustrophobic and burdened.

  
  

  Wesley Exactly what I was looking for. Great analysis. Thanks!

Whistle While You Work

Work has been rough lately.  I've been finding it to be pretty draining.  Every day I spend the majority of my day working with customers who are so caught up in their own needs, anxieties, and concerns that they often let it come out against me.  People can be so rude.  They can be short tempered, snappy, over-anxious, and oblivious.  So can I.  I often am.

I've been really grumpy lately.  Perhaps you can relate.  I've been regularly experiencing that oh-no-not-another-one-grumble-to-your-coworkers-snap-at-your-siblings-hiding-from-the-world sort of attitude over the last several days.  Weeks.  Okay, months.  Some way to spend Lent, right?

Given my sour mood, which fluctuates in degree on a day to day basis, I've been thinking a lot about what to do when such moods come up.

I work hard.  I work hard because it's important.  I work hard because it's my duty.  I work hard because it's expected.  I work hard because I don't want to do a half-way job.  Working hard is...hard.  It's also not enough.

In order for work to bear fruit, you need to unite to something more valuable - it needs to have meaning.  Some people look for meaning in the things that work will bring to their lives (e.g. money, a mental challenge, nice belongings, travels, etc.).  Others look for meaning in the work itself, seeking jobs that make a difference in the world or jobs that involve their personal passions.  Those answers are not always an option.  Many people do not have the liberty or the capabilities to choose a job that they find fulfilling in itself.  Others are unable to find work that pays out more than the minimum to live by.  So, what then?  How does one add meaning to the daily grind?  How does one save his spirit from the weight and the tediousness of the mundane?

For me, the answer is prayer.  The answer is martyrdom.  The answer is the crucifixion. When we make an effort to unite ourselves to Christ, every act has meaning.  This is true, not because of the greatness of our acts, but because of the greatness of his love.  Somehow, when walking through the day with Christ, we make it.  Often times, we just barely make it, but we do make it, with Christ.  I rarely feel Christ's presence as I struggle through those rough days, but I know that He is there.

Every day that I make it, I know that with more certainty.  Little by little, I am learning.  But lately, I'm struggling.  So, my dear friends, please say a prayer for me.  I'll be praying for you too.

Thanks!

-Therese