Showing posts with label trials. Show all posts
Showing posts with label trials. Show all posts

Sunday, December 11, 2016

I'll Be Waiting


It's that time of year when everyone is busily preparing for Christmas, but it isn't Christmas yet, it's still Advent.  We're preparing and we're waiting.  I've always been terrible at waiting.  Ter-ri-ble.

I used to tell my older sister what I bought her for Christmas in the car ride home from purchasing it.  I tell most people far too much about me in the first meeting.  I binge-watched the entire second season of Fuller House the night that it came out (with the exception of the three episodes that I skipped because I wanted to hurry up and get to the part when they address whether or not DJ and Steve will get back together).  So, I'm sure you can all join me in appreciating the irony in the fact that my church youth group invited me to speak to the teens about Advent and waiting.

And yet, in spite of this irony, God has had me doing QUITE a great deal of waiting lately.  I feel called to marriage, but am currently single.  Waiting.  I am currently discerning the direction I want to move in for work.  Waiting.  I'm working on dealing with some spiritual and emotional wounds, but the progress is very slow and in tiny increments. Waiting.

Boy does God have a sense of humor, or what?  Or perhaps it's something more than God having a good-natured chuckle at my inability to wait.  Perhaps there is value in the waiting.  Perhaps there is something to be learned.

In this time of waiting, I've been trying to spend that time doing a good deal of pondering, soul-searching, praying, and discerning.  I've been learning how to live with myself, how to listen to God, and how persevere. I've even been learning to wait.  I've been learning ways to cope with waiting.  I'm learning slowly.  

But if you find yourself waiting, I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone and invite you to join me in seizing this great opportunity.  I'll be waiting! 😉

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Darkness Falling


Days were bleeding together like ink on a page in the rain. Details were fading for her who once remembered every detail. Now there were only feelings left. Pain. Loneliness. Emptiness. Abandonment. Sorrow. Longing. Desire. Fear. 

What could she do? Where could she turn?  Steeped with shadow, she was filled with shame, but more than that, those things which had led her to that point still lingered. Darkness had fallen.

One by one she had watched her dreams shatter like a delicate, crystal, tree ornament hitting a tile floor. So lovely and cherished before, now in sharp, dangerous pieces. She must let then go, but how can she? They were so treasured. Desperate to hold on, she clutches at them and they bite back at her, tearing her soft flesh. 

Poor blood-soaked dreams, now in shambles. Lost. 

Why? 

Are none of her dreams safe? Will none of them come to fruition? Are they all empty promises?

And You, God? You who promise to give the desires of her heart, what will You do? 

But she resists You. You would heal her, but she is still clinging to broken dreams in her now torn flesh. She would not give them up. Like a wild animal in a painful snare, she blindly struggles against You. 

Please. No. Not these dreams. Please let me keep them. Please give them back to me, whole and beautiful as they once were. Without them, I will be forgotten and alone. I cannot bear it. Please. 

Without these, I will have nothing.  

You will have Me. 

I'm afraid. 

Do not be afraid. 

To remove the shards, will be painful, she knows, and she wants to pull away. She wants to run. 

Please. Let Me help you. You will die. 

I'm afraid. 

Trust me. 

I can't. 

She sobs. Even as the first shard is removed she stares after it with longing. That dream was precious. That dream was beautiful. 

Let it go now. 

How? I cannot forget what it was. What it could be. How do I stop holding on?

Trust me. 

It hurts, deep inside. I am so tired of this hurt. Help me. 

You must let go. Then you must let Me heal you. 

You. Will You tell my why these dreams had to be broken? 

I will give you something better.

When?

When you are ready. 

How slow she is to heal. And even now, she looks for the shards to the lost dreams. If only she had been more careful with those dreams, would they then be hers to keep? Would they transform into beautiful reality?

Those were only illusions. What I will give you is real and beautiful beyond compare. 

But it is not easy to forget long treasured dreams. Even now she seeks to treasure their shards, cruel and treacherous. 

A dark voice whispers evil words within her. 

You will lose it all and be left all alone. This is your fate. Darkness. Loneliness. Emptiness. This is all that awaits you. 

No. 

Help me!

Come to Me!

My dreams...

She clutches once again at the stabbing fragments. 

Leave them. 

I'll have nothing. 

You shall have Me. I shall be with you. I shall protect you. Let me help you, precious one. Come to me. 

A gleam of light pierces through the darkness. A hand reaches down to save her.  [continued below]


Today, as if in answer to this post, this was read at Mass:

Romans 8:22-27
"We know that all creation is groaning in labor pains even until now; and not only that, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, we also groan within ourselves as we wait for adoption, the redemption of our bodies. For in hope we were saved. Now hope that sees for itself is not hope. For who hopes for what one sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait with endurance. In the same way, the Spirit too comes to the aid of our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we ought, but the Spirit itself intercedes with inexpressible groanings. And the one who searches hearts knows what is the intention of the Spirit, because it intercedes for the holy ones according to God’s will."

Friday, March 15, 2013

Whistle While You Work

Work has been rough lately.  I've been finding it to be pretty draining.  Every day I spend the majority of my day working with customers who are so caught up in their own needs, anxieties, and concerns that they often let it come out against me.  People can be so rude.  They can be short tempered, snappy, over-anxious, and oblivious.  So can I.  I often am.

I've been really grumpy lately.  Perhaps you can relate.  I've been regularly experiencing that oh-no-not-another-one-grumble-to-your-coworkers-snap-at-your-siblings-hiding-from-the-world sort of attitude over the last several days.  Weeks.  Okay, months.  Some way to spend Lent, right?

Given my sour mood, which fluctuates in degree on a day to day basis, I've been thinking a lot about what to do when such moods come up.

I work hard.  I work hard because it's important.  I work hard because it's my duty.  I work hard because it's expected.  I work hard because I don't want to do a half-way job.  Working hard is...hard.  It's also not enough.


In order for work to bear fruit, you need to unite to something more valuable - it needs to have meaning.  Some people look for meaning in the things that work will bring to their lives (e.g. money, a mental challenge, nice belongings, travels, etc.).  Others look for meaning in the work itself, seeking jobs that make a difference in the world or jobs that involve their personal passions.  Those answers are not always an option.  Many people do not have the liberty or the capabilities to choose a job that they find fulfilling in itself.  Others are unable to find work that pays out more than the minimum to live by.  So, what then?  How does one add meaning to the daily grind?  How does one save his spirit from the weight and the tediousness of the mundane?

For me, the answer is prayer.  The answer is martyrdom.  The answer is the crucifixion. When we make an effort to unite ourselves to Christ, every act has meaning.  This is true, not because of the greatness of our acts, but because of the greatness of his love.  Somehow, when walking through the day with Christ, we make it.  Often times, we just barely make it, but we do make it, with Christ.  I rarely feel Christ's presence as I struggle through those rough days, but I know that He is there.

Every day that I make it, I know that with more certainty.  Little by little, I am learning.  But lately, I'm struggling.  So, my dear friends, please say a prayer for me.  I'll be praying for you too.

Thanks!

-Therese

Monday, January 14, 2013

On Dissapointment, Loneliness, and Eponine


Do you ever have those times when you feel as if life has just smacked you down? One minute you're on top of the world looking around you with joy and wonder, then, suddenly, you find you've faceplanted in the pavement. Well, I know enough people who've gone through something similar to that this in the recent past to hazard that, at one time or another, you have too - probably in the context of a relationship, although not necessarily.

Eponine
Well, I recently had the pleasure of viewing the film adaptation of the stage production of Victor Hugo's Les Miserables. I would like to take this opportunity to highlight the breif but beautiful life of my favorite character, Eponine Thenardier. I promise that this relates to my beginning, but first, some back story.

Eponine was born to two horrible parents who made their living by cheating, stealing, conning, and blackmailing anyone. When she was a child, they spoiled her rotten an when she grew older, they expected her to pull her weight in the family business and she did. But unlike her parents, Eponine did not care much for the twisted life she was born into, and began to look for other interests besides gaining at the expense of others.

Then she met Marius. He was everything she wasn't. She was poor, he was wealthy. She was a street urchin, he was a student. She was jaded and wounded, he was hopeful and idealistic. She was a little nothing, and – to her at least – he was everything. There was only one problem. Marius did not feel the same way about Eponine. At best, he viewed Eponine as a good friend, but most days he barely seemed to notice her. Still, she was content just to be near him.

Epnonine realizes that Marius love Cosette
Then, one day, Eponine's worst nightmare became reality when Marius fell in love with a soft, innocent, beautiful, and wealthy young lady, by the name of Cosette.

Eponine was devastated. How could this be true? Marius who barely noticed any woman beyond his books and his revolutionary ideas, finally had that look that Eponine had dreamt so many times of seeing in his eyes, but it was not for her. No, it was for Cosette, a girl who Eponine knew as a child under quite different circumstances.

Marius knew nothing about Cosette, not even her name. Knowing Eponine's street smart ways, Marius turns to her to help him find Cosette. The fate of this budding romance was completely in Eponine's hands, but Marius' pleas could did fall on deaf ears and she agreed to help him find his love.

She led Marius to his love and kept watch for them both as they met in secret to express and exchange their love for one another. She went head to head with her father to protect them both. Then the revolution began and Marius and Cosette were parted, they feared forever. Epopine, unable to bear the idea of Marius fighting alone, disguised herself as a boy and joined him at the barracades.

Here the movie and the play differ.

*SPOILER ALERT *

In the play: Marius discovered Eponine's presence and commissioned her to bring a letter to Cossette. Eponine did as Marius asks, but on her way back to the barricade, she is fatally wounded.

In the film: Eponine carried a letter from Cosette, but could not bring herself to deliver it to Marius after she had joined him at the barricade. She took a bullet for Marius and as she lay dying, confessed her trangression and gave him Cosette's letter.

Wounded, Eponine comforts Marius as she dies
In both: As Eponine lay dying in Marius' arms, she softly tells him not to worry and assures him that his presence is enough to make her feel no pain. She comforts Marius and urges him not to fret (“A Little Fall ofRain”). Then she dies, happily near her beloved during her last moments.

Okay, so what does this have to do with life smacking you down? Well, for starters, it gives a beautiful example of how to face difficulty. When Eponine is confronted with the tragedy of her life, which shows no sign of improvement even in the most disdant future, she does not despair, nor does she wallow in her sorrow. She looks at the reality of her situation and faces it head on. She forces herself to recognize the truth that the thing she wants, will never be. She does not try to force her feelings on Marius, nor does she let her disappointment serve as a motive to stand in the way of his happiness. She is completely selfless on that front.

Now, some, might accuse Eponine of being a bit of a doormat and somewhat pathetic, but I do not agree. I believe that had she lived, she would have found joy in loving Cosette and Marius and their children and in her own time, after her heart had healed from it's disappointment, I believe that Eponine would've found her true love. But regardless of what she may have done if the chance had been given, the fact remains, that in the end, Eponine chose to think of others over herself. As a result, she dies happy and full of peace, not hanging on to resentment, broken dreams, or bitter longings.

Love is willing the good of the other. Love is not getting your way or giving someone else their way. Love is not allowing yourself to be used or to use others. Love is self-giving, self-sacrifice, forgiveness, patience, humility, hope, and so much more. Eponine chose love of another over love of herself.

Her great love, triumphs over her criminal lifestyle, her broken heart, her empty dreams, and her tragic death. When people think of the character of Eponine, then think on her with bitter-sweet recollection. She was the girl who gave all she had for an unrequited love. And because she truly loved, that was truly enough.

Epnonine had wisdom too. She had the wisdom to know that her paths was never meant to intertwine with that of Marius. She had the wisdom to know that one ought not to put the pulls of loneliness about the pulls of friendship. She had the wisdom to know that something bigger and more important that her was at work in all their lives and the author of that work would care for them all.

The spirits of Eponine, Fantine, and Valjean watching over Cosette and Marius
Eponine's last lines in the musical are, “And remember, the truth that once was spoken, 'To love another person is to see the face of God.'”

So, to any of my readers who are struggling with disappointment or hurt of some kind, please know this: you are not alone. You're not the only one who feels hurt, overlooked, forgotten, and/or rejected. How you respond to it is your choice. You can make yourself a victim or you can be the hero. Being the hero is difficult and probably no one will notice, but you will find peace in the sacrifice you make for the love of another. Being the victim keeps you sad, miserable, and lonely. It also burdens those who love you.

Personally, I believe that being the hero, or at least, trying to be the hero, is by far the better way. I don't know that I've ever actually succeeded on that plan, but I've always found that the simple act of trying helps me get through the confusing, painful part. I find Eponine's story incredibly inspiring and she is my favorite character in Les Mis. She is beautiful, simple, and unimportant. She is tragic. She is amazing.

Maybe one day someone will be inspired by my story or yours. So, don't give up and keep on trying to love better.

Love,
T