Advice from a Tomboy
This is a bit of advice that I offer
from the position of having been close friends with a number of
excellent guys and also from having five stunning sisters, who
attract the attention of many a hopeful young man. I realize that I
am not infallible. This is my opinion, which I have formed
through many conversations with both of the aforementioned parties
and much observation.
For many (hopefully most) of y'all,
this will seem like common sense, and I thank God for you. For those
who are surprised by this advice, all I ask is that,
before you decide it isn't for you, take
some time to actually think it over—it just might help spare you
and those you love from years of unnecessary grief.
An additional disclaimer: these pieces
of advice are a bit gender stereotyped because of my personal
experience with these situations. Really these rules are for
everyone and if you're breaking them, then you may want to rethink
that decision.
For the Boys:
1. Don't be the “nice guy”.
I am not saying don't be a nice
guy. I am saying don't be the “nice guy.” In case you
don't have a computer or you spend little to no time online and are
not familiar with the term “nice guy,” allow me to elaborate.
The nice guy is the guy who falls for a
girl and then decides that she “owes” him a chance to win her in
the context of a romantic relationship.
Here's the thing, gents: if
you were not able to win her heart in the context of a friendship, a
romantic relationship is not going to change that. If having known
you for some length of time does not turn her heart in your
direction, no amount of awkward dates, late night conversations, or
charming gestures is going to change that. *Disclaimer:
There are exceptions to this but it is generally best to assume you
are the rule not the
exception.*
No means no. If the girl turns you
down, you need to let it go. Move on. You made a valiant effort,
which she will respect you for—that is, unless you make yourself
pathetic by repeatedly pleading at her feet for just one more
chance.
Do not pretend to move on and hope that
if you just keep doing nice, friendly things for her, she will
suddenly see that you're the one for her.
Do not try again every year.
Do not tell all/any of your common
friends how much you're in love with her. (They will most likely
tell her and then she will be distressed and start to think that
you're creepy. See #4.) Also, there is a high chance that your
friends will find this type of confidence to be more than a little
irritating.
Do move on. Let her go.
Even if it means that you have to constantly remind yourself to
abandon that dream, at some point you will really move on. Your
feelings may be strong, but that doesn't mean they are her
responsibility [or
your eternal fate].
2. If you see a girl regularly, don't
ask her out without actually getting to know her.
It's insulting to her and beneath you.
While girls love it when their beauty is appreciated, they are not
fans of the guys who project their ideal onto them and then never
take the time to actually know the person. In other words, if a girl
seems to be the perfect image of your fantasy girl, then you probably
haven't gotten to know the girl that well. Fantasy people are not
real (hence “fantasy”). The sooner to accept this, the better.
(Really this applies to girls just as much...)
In a similar vein, do not confess your
“undying love” to a girl that you don't know. Same reason as
above.
3. Do not assume what hasn't been said.
I know that girls are the queens of mixed signals and this is
largely due to the fact that they believe in “hinting.” That
said, if you haven't asked and she hasn't actually said that she
likes you, do not assume that she does.
Every girl is different and that means
the “sparkly eyes,” hair-twirling, special smile, sarcasm, random
acts of kindness, etc. might not mean what you're thinking it means.
Some girls really do put that much thought into every
gesture—although I suspect that even those girls might only think
that much about it when they're around the guy they like—but most
girls are more like y'all than you'd think insofar as they just do
whatever feels natural.
So, that time when your hands touched
when you sat side by side could have been her sneaky way of letting
you know that she thinks the world of you, but it's much more likely
that she just wasn't paying attention to where her hand was resting.
Don't over think it.
If you think she might like you and you
like her, ask her out. If she says no, then leave it at that, no
matter what your buddies tell you about the way her face “lights
up” when you enter the room. Your buddies are WRONG. She told you
herself. Listen to her.
4. Don't tell a girl when one of your
buddies is thinking about asking her out. You are not Cupid. No
matter how certain you are that your buddy needs an assist, resist
that impulse.
Interference cannot be undone and your
helpful heads-up may have just killed your pal's chances with the
lady in question. And if you should happen to discover that the lady
is not interested, do not keep apprising her of your pal's feelings
for her.
These are not the actions of a wing man;
these are the actions of a petty gossip. If he's going to ask her
out, then he will man up and do it, and she will answer. Being the
go-between just creates drama, diminishes your buddy's credibility as
a man, and causes the gal to read into everything he does. All this
because you decided that your pal couldn't handle this on his own.
For the Girls:
1. Enough with the hinting.
If you
want a gentleman to know something, just tell the poor guy. Don't
create this intricate treasure map of clues for him to figure out
that you're having a bad day, not interested, very interested, or
whatever you're trying to clue him in to.
If it's not something that is
appropriate for you to tell him, then you probably shouldn't be
hinting about it either. If it's something that he must know,
hinting is insufficient. I'm not talking about making the first move
here (see #2); I'm talking about reciprocation, resolving conflict,
reminding him of important dates, etc.
He probably won't figure out that you
like him just because you wore his favorite color the other day—and
meanwhile that “nice guy” in whom you have no interest will be
reading into that fact because it’s also his favorite color.
If you make it a rule to communicate in a straightforward way, then
he'll get the message—and you'll have a clear precedent to fall
back on when said “nice guy” accuses you of flirting with him.
2. You cannot answer a question that
has not been asked.
No matter how hard you try, it will not work.
Telling that “nice guy” that you're not interested before he even
asks you out will only result in the awkward, “Oh, I know! I
completely understand where you're at and I'm not interested either”
conversation.
If a guy is unrelentingly pursuing you
in the passive manner that is so typical of “nice guys,” you may
address the behaviors, but not the assumptions that you have drawn
from said behaviors. In other words, if he keeps trying to hold your
hand, the proper response is, “I do not like it when you try to
hold my hand and would appreciate it if you stop,” not “Now, I
hope that we're clearly understood that we are just friends and I am
not romantically interested in you.”
I mean, you can try the second
response, but you're either going to end up looking like an idiot
when he tells you you've completely misread the situation or he's
probably not going to listen to you and continue pining anyway.
Let him do the asking and you just deal
with what is, not with what he might do.
Similarly, it is generally best to let
the guy make the first move. If you want to date/marry a strong man,
then you have to let him lead. This means not telling that guy
you've secretly had a crush on for years that you like him. If he
seems content to leave it at friendship, then just leave it at
friendship. Or, tell him and risk losing the friendship or dating
someone who's taking the “well, why not give it a try?” approach.
In most cases, whoever starts in the lead stays in the lead.
3. Don't do the pity date.
A man is a
man and deserves to be treated like one. He is not a child. He can
handle rejection, and you are not doing him any service by letting
him believe that he stands a chance if you already know that he does
not.
Imagine how emasculated he will feel
when the awkward pity dates inevitably culminate in your confession
to having gone out with him because he was so nice and you just
“didn't want to hurt him.”
Rejection does hurt and he won't like
it, but if you're not interested give the guy enough respect to treat
him like an adult.
That doesn't mean that you have to be
harsh about it, but be honest and clear. Don't use phrases like “not
right now” and “maybe if things were different.” This leaves
room for false hope. Just tell him thank you, but no, and only offer
further explanation if he asks for it.
Consoling him is not your job. That's
the job of his family and the idiot friends who convinced him that
you loved him in the first place.
4. Don't listen to gossip about whether
or not some guy likes you.
Whoever is telling you (even his best
buddy) may be wrong and then you'll be all anxious and/or excited for
no real reason. If he likes you and is serious about you, then he
will make a move in his own good time.
What everyone else thinks or “knows”
is irrelevant. If you catch your friends or his friends speculating
about the two of you, shut it down and politely thank them not to
meddle. Just discussing it may seem harmless but may also negatively
alter the way that you think about that guy. Only deal with facts
and your thoughts/feelings.
For all y'all crazy people:
1. Feelings < Thoughts
Yes, feelings are strong, distracting,
and overwhelming. They also should not dictate your decisions, your
actions, or really much else. You must be the master of yourself and
let reason prevail (also discipline).
You ought not do something or abstain
from doing simply because of how you feel. Feelings are not a
sufficient reason. They are too changeable, too selfish, and many
times have very poor timing. Listen to your heart (your heart, in
this case, is not your emotions, but that deeper love that leads you
to deny yourself and sacrifice your desires for the good of others),
consider the solid advice of the wise people in your life, and let
your conscience be your guide.
By all means, factor your feelings into
your decisions, but don't let them dominate your interior forum.
Logic, humility, and self-denying love should always take precedence.
Trust me, they'll keep you out of a lot of trouble. And
of course, as
a friend added,
the goal is happiness, not just pleasure.
Well, that's all folks!
-T
