I'll Be Waiting

It's that time of year when everyone is busily preparing for Christmas, but it isn't Christmas yet, it's still Advent.  We're preparing and we're waiting.  I've always been terrible at waiting.  Ter-ri-ble.

I used to tell my older sister what I bought her for Christmas in the car ride home from purchasing it.  I tell most people far too much about me in the first meeting.  I binge-watched the entire second season of Fuller House the night that it came out (with the exception of the three episodes that I skipped because I wanted to hurry up and get to the part when they address whether or not DJ and Steve will get back together).  So, I'm sure you can all join me in appreciating the irony in the fact that my church youth group invited me to speak to the teens about Advent and waiting.

And yet, in spite of this irony, God has had me doing QUITE a great deal of waiting lately.  I feel called to marriage, but am currently single.  Waiting.  I am currently discerning the direction I want to move in for work.  Waiting.  I'm working on dealing with some spiritual and emotional wounds, but the progress is very slow and in tiny increments. Waiting.

Boy does God have a sense of humor, or what?  Or perhaps it's something more than God having a good-natured chuckle at my inability to wait.  Perhaps there is value in the waiting.  Perhaps there is something to be learned.

In this time of waiting, I've been trying to spend that time doing a good deal of pondering, soul-searching, praying, and discerning.  I've been learning how to live with myself, how to listen to God, and how persevere. I've even been learning to wait.  I've been learning ways to cope with waiting.  I'm learning slowly.  

But if you find yourself waiting, I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone and invite you to join me in seizing this great opportunity.  I'll be waiting! 😉

When My Father Fails

Fathers are so important.  Studies show that a strong father figure is extremely important to a child's development. Yet, it is no secret that we are having quite a crisis of fatherhood in our society.  Many fathers are absent or maybe present, but very distant.  And even the best of fathers have their shortcomings.  So what do we do?  I'm not asking how we can reform society and fix fathers everywhere, but rather, I am reflecting on the question of how we ought to handle it when our own father's fail. (Just a disclaimer, I am not talking about abusive relationships.  If you find yourself in an abusive situation, you need to get some professional help ASAP.)

I have been uniquely blessed to grow up in a very loving home, with both mother and father still in the picture and happily married.  This is increasingly not the norm in our world.  But even with a childhood that could easily be called idyllic, there were moments when the combination of my human frailty and that of my parents, left me feeling hurt, confused, and unloved, because that's what sin does.  Until we are all sinless, we will inevitably hurt those we love, even unintentionally.

A few recent conversations with some friends and the youth with whom I work brought forth the question of how to handle the weakness of our parents.  Children naturally resist the idea of their parents having flaws.  They want to believe that daddy is a superhero who will never fail us. But the fact remains that sometimes our parents fail us.

I am admittedly not an expert on this topic, but these are some things that I have learned in my short years on this earth about this particular quandary.  Many of these lessons apply for dealing with the shortcoming of any other person, including ourselves.

1. Accept him as he is.
Those moments of failure hurt so much more when we have unrealistic expectations of our fathers. In recognizing his areas of weakness, then you can be prepared for it when it comes. Show him the same mercy and patience that God shows you when you try to overcome your weaknesses.  My relationship with my own dad became so much smoother when I came to understand his fear, insecurities, struggles, etc.

2. Love him.
In the face of disappointment, hurt, loneliness, continue to shower your father with love.  Find out his love language and use it.  Don't do it to change him or to win love in return.  Don't do it for thanks or for praise.  Just love him and make sure he knows it.  Dad's need that love as much as you do and they are often overlooked.  As the "child" in the parent/child relationship, it is easy to get caught up in your own needs and forget that your dad needs your love too, even if you don't feel like you're getting anything out of it.

3. Forgive him.
This one may [most likely] have to be one that you have recommit to moment by moment. Your relationship with your father will rapidly become unbearable if you don't find a way to let go of past hurts.  They build up.  If you don't let them go, then the relationship just ends up being one giant wound.  Counseling and or spiritual direction is extremely helpful if your hurts are not something you can let go on your own.

4. Apologize.
It takes humility to apologize, especially if we're convicted that we're not the only offending party.  But a little humility goes a long way, even if we can't see the results.  Sometimes we are unaware of the degree things we say or do can hurt our parents.  It is not little thing to learn to recognize when you could have done things better and apologize for your own shortcomings.  Extra points for apologizing before he brings up the issue with you.

5. Get some extra father figures.
In addition to working on your relationship with your own father, it's important that your need for a good father figure is being met.  It's not in any way cheating on your dad to have a couple of "adopted" fathers in your life. They can be a great sounding board and offer fresh perspectives when you need.  I find these father figures in my uncles and the many holy priests that I have known.

6. Let God be your father.
We have a perfect father who never, ever fails us in God the Father.  He is always ready to heal your wounds, forgive you, affirm you, hold you...All you have to do is turn to Him and let Him do those things for you.  Building your relationship with God the Father will do so much to help and console you.  Don't waste that precious opportunity.

So, those are my tips for a better relationship with your daddy.  I want to give a special shout out/thank you to my own wonderful father, who has always done his best to let me know how much he loves and cares for me.  I admire him immensely and I wouldn't be who I am today without him.

In Search of Love

Courtship Scene by Rudolf Alfred Hoeger

Given my age and current state in life, the topic of marriage, dating, etc. comes up quite often.  It's discussed at my place of work, with my family, with my friends, with strangers, and with new acquaintances.  Then, of course, there are all those blog posts, news articles, and e-mails about spouse-seeking young adults. There is so much being said about this topic that I am likely to repeat someone else's sentiments, but it's been coming up so often lately that I'd like to express my reflections on the subject.

I like to read old novels like "An Old Fashioned Girl," "Anne of Green Gables," "Pride and Prejudice."  My girl friends and I often share our delights over the sweet romantic scenes, the grand gestures, the noble heroes, etc. contained in such books as these.  We also occasionally find ourselves lamenting that we don't find such heroes and love stories in the modern era.

The reality is that the old model of courtship had plenty of it's own problems.  The pressure to marry was so great in the past the many people rushed into marriages with spouses who were hardly known to them, leaving them stuck in loveless marriages with the potential to be abusive, dysfunctional, and deeply broken. The mode of courtship often facilitated these types of marriages as it limited the types of topics that were permitted to be discussed and it ensured that there was always a third party present.  Still, one must admit that there was a certain clarity in the old mode of courtship.

While the notion of courtship was established and taught in society, there was a clear protocol of how to act.  If someone abused that protocol, there were societal sanctions enforced.

This is not a case to return to courtship of old.  Such a proposal is not feasible, nor beneficial, in my opinion.

Still the absence of a formal structure has caused some obvious problems that we as a society must find a way to overcome.

The societal pressure to marry has not gone away, it's only shifted or delayed.  This for numerous reasons, not necessarily all together or at the same time.  The three most common reasons, in my experience, are education, work, and age.  In the case of age, many people simply have no wish to marry as young.  They have the idea that if they wait, it will somehow better prepare them for marriage.  There is also the desire of people to "live while they're young." In the case of career and education, there is a sense that these things take precedence over marriage and starting a family.

These delays aside, the pressure remains.  Some might say that it is a biological urge to mate a procreate. Others might point to the spiritual and emotional need to love and be loved, for life.  Whether for these reasons or others, the pressure is real.

This pressure is compounded with a newer problem: the high divorce rate of our era.  This results in a great fear of making a commitment or, more specifically, making the wrong commitment.  No one wants to be tethered to the wrong partner for life, but a failed marriage is also less than ideal.  The desire to avoid either of these often breeds a fear of commitment.

In addition to these potential problems there is the the lack of structure in the modern souse-seeking process.

Some people prefer the "pick-up" method, wherein they approach a stranger at a bar, grocery store, church group, club, party, etc. and try to start up a conversation and arrange a first date or at the very least an exchange of contact information.

Others prefer an introduction through mutual friends or family.

Some prefer online dating.

Some prefer making friends with the intention of moving towards a romantic relationship.

Even after the initial meeting, the mode of pursuing a relationship varies greatly.

Some engage it was is commonly referred to as "talking," a concept loaded with so much more meaning than simply communicating.  Roughly speaking, it means talking, texting, and hanging out as a prelude to formally dating.  It is similar to a simple friendship, expect that it is pregnant with implications of being something more.

Other prefer the casual dating approach. In this approach they go on dates with the understanding these dates may or may not be repeated and that each person might be dating other people in the same manner.  Each date is treated as a more or less isolated event.

Others skip these methods and skip directly to an exclusive dating relationship.  This is a more formal way to date and its purpose is test the strength of the relationship and determine whether or not it will culminate in a marriage.

These are, of course, an oversimplification of the ways and methods one might use to seek out their future spouse, but that is precisely my point.  There is a broad spectrum of ways to get to know someone and pursue a romantic future with him or her.  The more possibilities that exist the more opportunity there is for confusion and miscommunication.

Add the aforementioned pressure to find a spouse and settle down, plus the fear of divorce and regretted commitment and this quickly becomes a fiasco.

I have lost count of the number of times I have listened to a friend troubling over uncertainty of where they stand in a relationship. "Are we just friends or does he/she like me?"  "Is he/she busy or am I getting the brush off?" "Are we exclusive or are we only together because he/she doesn't have any options?" "Can I ask where I stand or will that make him/her feel pressured?" "If I tell him/her how I feel, will it scare him/her away?" "Am I allowing myself to be used by talking to him/her so often without any indication of a relationship on the horizon?"  "Am I using him/her to fill an emotional void while waiting for something better to come along?"

Over and over again we find ourselves troubled by uncertainty, hurt by a lack of clarity, and/or wracked with anxiety about how to proceed.

My question is, can we do better?

Many smart people have given a great deal of thought to this matter. A lot of them present a number of very good or at least appealing ideas as solutions.  But what good are these ideas if they are only adopted by a handful of individuals?

If I agree that I must demand certain behaviors and behave in a certain way, will that really be effective if the men of my acquaintance have no knowledge of this?  If a man decides to follow a specific protocol in pursuing a girl and she has different ideas, then will his resolutions be for naught?

So, what can we do?  How do we improve?  I really do think that something must be done, but I am at a loss as to what.  What do you think?

IMustDecrease: Music: Entitlement, Possession, & The Gift

Check out my friend's blog!  James is an amazing musician and a great writer.



 IMustDecrease: Music: Entitlement, Possession, & The Gift: Music: Entitlement, Possession, & The Gift             Sunday’s Gospel in mass got me thinking a bit about music as...

Darkness Falling

Days were bleeding together like ink on a page in the rain. Details were fading for her who once remembered every detail. Now there were only feelings left. Pain. Loneliness. Emptiness. Abandonment. Sorrow. Longing. Desire. Fear. 

What could she do? Where could she turn?  Steeped with shadow, she was filled with shame, but more than that, those things which had led her to that point still lingered. Darkness had fallen.

One by one she had watched her dreams shatter like a delicate, crystal, tree ornament hitting a tile floor. So lovely and cherished before, now in sharp, dangerous pieces. She must let then go, but how can she? They were so treasured. Desperate to hold on, she clutches at them and they bite back at her, tearing her soft flesh. 

Poor blood-soaked dreams, now in shambles. Lost. 

Why? 

Are none of her dreams safe? Will none of them come to fruition? Are they all empty promises?

And You, God? You who promise to give the desires of her heart, what will You do? 

But she resists You. You would heal her, but she is still clinging to broken dreams in her now torn flesh. She would not give them up. Like a wild animal in a painful snare, she blindly struggles against You. 

Please. No. Not these dreams. Please let me keep them. Please give them back to me, whole and beautiful as they once were. Without them, I will be forgotten and alone. I cannot bear it. Please. 

Without these, I will have nothing.  

You will have Me. 

I'm afraid. 

Do not be afraid. 

To remove the shards, will be painful, she knows, and she wants to pull away. She wants to run. 

Please. Let Me help you. You will die. 

I'm afraid. 

Trust me. 

I can't. 

She sobs. Even as the first shard is removed she stares after it with longing. That dream was precious. That dream was beautiful. 

Let it go now. 

How? I cannot forget what it was. What it could be. How do I stop holding on?

Trust me. 

It hurts, deep inside. I am so tired of this hurt. Help me. 

You must let go. Then you must let Me heal you. 

You. Will You tell my why these dreams had to be broken? 

I will give you something better.

When?

When you are ready. 

How slow she is to heal. And even now, she looks for the shards to the lost dreams. If only she had been more careful with those dreams, would they then be hers to keep? Would they transform into beautiful reality?

Those were only illusions. What I will give you is real and beautiful beyond compare. 

But it is not easy to forget long treasured dreams. Even now she seeks to treasure their shards, cruel and treacherous. 

A dark voice whispers evil words within her. 

You will lose it all and be left all alone. This is your fate. Darkness. Loneliness. Emptiness. This is all that awaits you. 

No. 

Help me!

Come to Me!

My dreams...

She clutches once again at the stabbing fragments. 

Leave them. 

I'll have nothing. 

You shall have Me. I shall be with you. I shall protect you. Let me help you, precious one. Come to me. 

A gleam of light pierces through the darkness. A hand reaches down to save her.  [continued below]

Today, as if in answer to this post, this was read at Mass:

Romans 8:22-27

"We know that all creation is groaning in labor pains even until now; and not only that, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, we also groan within ourselves as we wait for adoption, the redemption of our bodies. For in hope we were saved. Now hope that sees for itself is not hope. For who hopes for what one sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait with endurance. In the same way, the Spirit too comes to the aid of our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we ought, but the Spirit itself intercedes with inexpressible groanings. And the one who searches hearts knows what is the intention of the Spirit, because it intercedes for the holy ones according to God’s will."

Ms. Carol's Crawfish and Corn Chowder

Ingredients:

Crawfish corn Chowder

1lb crawfish tails

8oz cream cheese

1/2 cup green onions

2 cans of whole kernel corn

2 cans cream of potato soup

1 can cream of mushroom

2 tblsp of butter

16 oz half and half

Tony's

1 cup sherry (or dry white wine)

Cooking Instructions:

Sautée green onions in butter. 

Turn to low add cream cheese. 

When soft, add corn, soups, crawfish, and seasoning. 

Add half and half and wine. 

Bon appétit!

Lent

"Come away with me in the night

Come away with me
And I will write you a song

Come away with me on a bus
Come away where they can't tempt us
With their lies

And I want to walk with you
On a cloudy day
In fields where the yellow grass grows knee-high
So won't you try to come?

Come away with me and we'll kiss
On a mountaintop
Come away with me
And I'll never stop loving you

And I want to wake up with the rain
Falling on a tin roof
While I'm safe there in your arms
So all I ask is for you
To come away with me in the night
Come away with me." ~ Nora Jones

"My beloved speaks and says to me: "Arise, my love, my fair one, and come away; for lo, the winter is past, the rain is over and gone. The flowers appear on the earth, the time of singing has come, and the voice of the turtledove is heard in our land. The fig tree puts forth its figs, and the vines are in blossom; they give forth fragrance. Arise, my love, my fair one, and come away. O my dove, in the clefts of the rock, in the covert of the cliff, let me see your face, let me hear your voice, for your voice is sweet, and your face is comely. Catch us the foxes, the little foxes, that spoil the vineyards, for our vineyards are in blossom." ~ Song of Songs 2:10-15

May your Lent be a time of repose, repentance, and renewal!

Purchased with Pain

I was recently reading the book "He and I" and in it there is a passage in which God asks the author if she realizes that she has been purchased with His pain.  The idea may seem strange, even off-putting at first, but it didn't to me.  It immediately resonated with me and I thought I that was strange.

Purchased with pain.

Is such a thing possible?  When watching films, I often find myself rooting for the unrequited love.  I'm a sucker for the tragic underdog (see my post on Eponine).  If in the end he doesn't get the girl, I feel a bit cheated.  Why?

Well, I feel that the answer is best illustrated with the example of the splendid story of Cyrano de Bergerac.  Cyrano is a man in love with the fair Roxanne, who in turn is love with one Christian.  Cyrano pines for Roxanne and, in his way, pours out his love for her through the eloquent words, which he lends to Christian.  Though Cyrano burns with love for Roxanne, he dares not make it know.  For him, it is enough that Roxanne knows that she is loved deeply and ardently, even if she does not know the love is from him.

Christian also loves Roxanne but his words fail him.  He is content to use Cyrano's beautiful words to woo his love rather than risk losing the lady altogether.  When Christian and Cyrano are sent to the front lines of war, Christian frequently seeks out Cyrano to help pen a letter to properly express his love.  Cyrano however, is not content with that.  He daily sneaks across enemy lines to make sure that his love is never left without a new letter to read, which reassures her of his fidelity and love.  He signs Christian's name to these letters.  Once Christian becomes aware of this, he insists that Cyrano offers his own suit to Roxanne and that the truth be known.

Christian is not a bad man, nor a coward, nor a fool, nor an unattractive fellow, yet my heart is softened towards the plight of dear Cyrano.  Why?  Why is Cyrano's suit more worthy than Christian's?  Some might argue that Cyrano loves Roxanne more than Christian and I am inclined to agree with that, but I want to press for the answer of how do we measure that love?  How do we know that Cyrano's love is greater?

I put forth the idea that it is the amount of personal loss and suffering that Cyrano endures for the sake of Roxanne.  Christian wants to put himself on the line for the sake of his love.  He is fully prepared to make the truth known to her so that she may freely choose whom to love.  His untimely death robs him of this noble sacrifice and so the only one of the two suitors suffer for his love is Cyrano, who can't bring himself to tell Roxanne the truth even after Christian's passing, for both Christian and Roxanne's sake.

It was the great suffering of Cyrano's love that enshrines him in our hearts.  How much pain he bore for the sake of his love!  He bears it without complaint or thought for himself.   What heart can resist such love?  Has he not purchased his right to love and be loved through his great suffering?

Is it not also thus with Christ?  Who can resist such self-giving love?  It is disarming, intoxicating, alluring, moving, and overwhelming.   It is a love that asks only to love and be loved.  It is a love that seeks to bring about our perfect happiness.  It is a love that selflessly seeks to give us all we desire, at the deepest level, regardless of personal cost.  If you have not found this to be so, then I invite to seek Him out and experience that love.  It will transform your life in the most beautiful way.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Additional Comments
Here are some follow up thoughts in the form of a conversation with a friend of mine who we'll call "Wesley"

• Wesley Nice, now I don't have to comment on your blog where everything I say will be visible for as long as blogger continues to exist.
  I have a question not addressed by your post, which seemed to simply point out that oftentimes love is purchased with suffering, without saying whether this lesson has any practical implications for loving.
  I am wondering mainly whether undergoing suffering to purchase someone's love is an appropriate course of action. It's a Romantic notion, of course, and the Romantic in me is fascinated, but as we know the Romantics were often excessive and disordered. It's also noble to suffer for one you love, but is it quite as noble when your intention is to purchase? Cyrano suffered, not intending to purchase love, but in fact solely for the sake of his beloved so that she would be literally in blissful ignorance of his feelings, if I'm not mistaken.
  And of course by "love" here we mean some kind of bond specifically between two friends, in addition to the charity which one should always work for between all people. (Christ didn't say "Don't have enemies," because friendship has to be mutual and if not everybody returns your love, that's not your fault; rather, He said "Love your enemies" so I think that's not exactly the kind of love we're talking about here, though related.)
  There, now I said it. Facebookers, please read her blog, it's quite good, and I don't like half of it half as well as it deserves.

  
  
• Therese I suppose my response must be that insomuch as all love requires self-denial there cannot be true loving without suffering. That said, love is willing the good of the other as other, so "unhealthy" or dysfunctional suffering would not be good for the lover or the other. Such things require prudence and patience

  
  
• Wesley I'm not sure that answered my basic question (other than the admonition to patience and prudence). You already know that I believe that suffering together is like cement to true friendship.
  What I'm wondering is, can the suffering be undertaken *in order to* gain another's love, or is that a mistake? because I don't think that's what Cyrano does. I'm talking more of someone who makes sacrifices for someone else and hopes to be rewarded with their love, a sort of "winning" that person over through suffering (meriting their love, if you will). Somehow I can see that being a wrong approach, though it's a fascinating idea. I understand that you might not have meant to suggest this idea at all, but it occurred to me nonetheless.

  
  
• Therese Ah, then my answer is no. I don't think so. Unless the one being loved also happens to be a sadist

  
  
• Wesley LOL That bad, eh? I really missed it that time.

  
  
• Therese In other words suffering for the sake of suffering is masochism. Even the saints advise against intentionally seeking out suffering. They simply say to accept it when it comes. Cyrano does not go out of his way to be miserable, but, believing that the thorns he bears will bring about the happiness of his love, embraces the misery with joy. In the same way, Christ did not put Himself on the cross and gave Judas and Pilate the free choice to not put him there, but knowing that it would come in order to bring about our salvation, He embraced it
• Therese When we offer our sufferings for Christ, it is not our pain that He delights in but our willingness to die to self for the sake of drawing nearer to him. Indeed, when we feel the chafing of our crosses, Christ empathizes with us, He does not take pleasure in our distress.
• Wesley In response to part of that: one scenario I was thinking of was: lover sees difficult thing that would make beloved happy; lover undergoes difficult thing and suffers in process, but not selflessly for the beloved but rather so that she (or he) will notice the sacrifice; lover thus purchases admiration and love, not because beloved enjoys the suffering but rather admires the sacrifice...but may or may not realize that it was done with the intention of that very result!
  In response to the part about Christ, what you said makes sense to me.

  
  
• Therese  Yes, but that's where we get into willing the good of the other. Often, when we pursue things to "make others happy" for the sake of winning them over it turns out that we become rather undiscerning in what we suffer. This turns us into a yes-man, a doormat, and also a dead weight. It becomes manipulative and the object of our affections would perceive it, even if only subconsciously, at one point or another. It leads the object of love feeling claustrophobic and burdened.

  
  

  Wesley Exactly what I was looking for. Great analysis. Thanks!

Rules of Engagement

Advice from a Tomboy

This is a bit of advice that I offer from the position of having been close friends with a number of excellent guys and also from having five stunning sisters, who attract the attention of many a hopeful young man. I realize that I am not infallible. This is my opinion, which I have formed through many conversations with both of the aforementioned parties and much observation.

For many (hopefully most) of y'all, this will seem like common sense, and I thank God for you. For those who are surprised by this advice, all I ask is that, before you decide it isn't for you, take some time to actually think it over—it just might help spare you and those you love from years of unnecessary grief.

An additional disclaimer: these pieces of advice are a bit gender stereotyped because of my personal experience with these situations. Really these rules are for everyone and if you're breaking them, then you may want to rethink that decision.

For the Boys:

1. Don't be the “nice guy”.

I am not saying don't be a nice guy. I am saying don't be the “nice guy.” In case you don't have a computer or you spend little to no time online and are not familiar with the term “nice guy,” allow me to elaborate.

The nice guy is the guy who falls for a girl and then decides that she “owes” him a chance to win her in the context of a romantic relationship.

Here's the thing, gents: if you were not able to win her heart in the context of a friendship, a romantic relationship is not going to change that. If having known you for some length of time does not turn her heart in your direction, no amount of awkward dates, late night conversations, or charming gestures is going to change that. *Disclaimer: There are exceptions to this but it is generally best to assume you are the rule not the exception.*

No means no. If the girl turns you down, you need to let it go. Move on. You made a valiant effort, which she will respect you for—that is, unless you make yourself pathetic by repeatedly pleading at her feet for just one more chance.

Do not pretend to move on and hope that if you just keep doing nice, friendly things for her, she will suddenly see that you're the one for her.

Do not try again every year.

Do not tell all/any of your common friends how much you're in love with her. (They will most likely tell her and then she will be distressed and start to think that you're creepy. See #4.) Also, there is a high chance that your friends will find this type of confidence to be more than a little irritating.

Do move on. Let her go. Even if it means that you have to constantly remind yourself to abandon that dream, at some point you will really move on. Your feelings may be strong, but that doesn't mean they are her responsibility [or your eternal fate].

2. If you see a girl regularly, don't ask her out without actually getting to know her.

It's insulting to her and beneath you. While girls love it when their beauty is appreciated, they are not fans of the guys who project their ideal onto them and then never take the time to actually know the person. In other words, if a girl seems to be the perfect image of your fantasy girl, then you probably haven't gotten to know the girl that well. Fantasy people are not real (hence “fantasy”). The sooner to accept this, the better. (Really this applies to girls just as much...)

In a similar vein, do not confess your “undying love” to a girl that you don't know. Same reason as above.

3. Do not assume what hasn't been said. I know that girls are the queens of mixed signals and this is largely due to the fact that they believe in “hinting.” That said, if you haven't asked and she hasn't actually said that she likes you, do not assume that she does.

Every girl is different and that means the “sparkly eyes,” hair-twirling, special smile, sarcasm, random acts of kindness, etc. might not mean what you're thinking it means. Some girls really do put that much thought into every gesture—although I suspect that even those girls might only think that much about it when they're around the guy they like—but most girls are more like y'all than you'd think insofar as they just do whatever feels natural.

So, that time when your hands touched when you sat side by side could have been her sneaky way of letting you know that she thinks the world of you, but it's much more likely that she just wasn't paying attention to where her hand was resting. Don't over think it.

If you think she might like you and you like her, ask her out. If she says no, then leave it at that, no matter what your buddies tell you about the way her face “lights up” when you enter the room. Your buddies are WRONG. She told you herself. Listen to her.

4. Don't tell a girl when one of your buddies is thinking about asking her out. You are not Cupid. No matter how certain you are that your buddy needs an assist, resist that impulse.

Interference cannot be undone and your helpful heads-up may have just killed your pal's chances with the lady in question. And if you should happen to discover that the lady is not interested, do not keep apprising her of your pal's feelings for her.

These are not the actions of a wing man; these are the actions of a petty gossip. If he's going to ask her out, then he will man up and do it, and she will answer. Being the go-between just creates drama, diminishes your buddy's credibility as a man, and causes the gal to read into everything he does. All this because you decided that your pal couldn't handle this on his own.

For the Girls:

1. Enough with the hinting. 

If you want a gentleman to know something, just tell the poor guy. Don't create this intricate treasure map of clues for him to figure out that you're having a bad day, not interested, very interested, or whatever you're trying to clue him in to.

If it's not something that is appropriate for you to tell him, then you probably shouldn't be hinting about it either. If it's something that he must know, hinting is insufficient. I'm not talking about making the first move here (see #2); I'm talking about reciprocation, resolving conflict, reminding him of important dates, etc.

He probably won't figure out that you like him just because you wore his favorite color the other day—and meanwhile that “nice guy” in whom you have no interest will be reading into that fact because it’s also his favorite color. If you make it a rule to communicate in a straightforward way, then he'll get the message—and you'll have a clear precedent to fall back on when said “nice guy” accuses you of flirting with him.

2. You cannot answer a question that has not been asked. 

No matter how hard you try, it will not work. Telling that “nice guy” that you're not interested before he even asks you out will only result in the awkward, “Oh, I know! I completely understand where you're at and I'm not interested either” conversation.

If a guy is unrelentingly pursuing you in the passive manner that is so typical of “nice guys,” you may address the behaviors, but not the assumptions that you have drawn from said behaviors. In other words, if he keeps trying to hold your hand, the proper response is, “I do not like it when you try to hold my hand and would appreciate it if you stop,” not “Now, I hope that we're clearly understood that we are just friends and I am not romantically interested in you.”

I mean, you can try the second response, but you're either going to end up looking like an idiot when he tells you you've completely misread the situation or he's probably not going to listen to you and continue pining anyway.

Let him do the asking and you just deal with what is, not with what he might do.

Similarly, it is generally best to let the guy make the first move. If you want to date/marry a strong man, then you have to let him lead. This means not telling that guy you've secretly had a crush on for years that you like him. If he seems content to leave it at friendship, then just leave it at friendship. Or, tell him and risk losing the friendship or dating someone who's taking the “well, why not give it a try?” approach. In most cases, whoever starts in the lead stays in the lead.

3. Don't do the pity date. 

A man is a man and deserves to be treated like one. He is not a child. He can handle rejection, and you are not doing him any service by letting him believe that he stands a chance if you already know that he does not.

Imagine how emasculated he will feel when the awkward pity dates inevitably culminate in your confession to having gone out with him because he was so nice and you just “didn't want to hurt him.”

Rejection does hurt and he won't like it, but if you're not interested give the guy enough respect to treat him like an adult.

That doesn't mean that you have to be harsh about it, but be honest and clear. Don't use phrases like “not right now” and “maybe if things were different.” This leaves room for false hope. Just tell him thank you, but no, and only offer further explanation if he asks for it.

Consoling him is not your job. That's the job of his family and the idiot friends who convinced him that you loved him in the first place.

4. Don't listen to gossip about whether or not some guy likes you.

Whoever is telling you (even his best buddy) may be wrong and then you'll be all anxious and/or excited for no real reason. If he likes you and is serious about you, then he will make a move in his own good time.

What everyone else thinks or “knows” is irrelevant. If you catch your friends or his friends speculating about the two of you, shut it down and politely thank them not to meddle. Just discussing it may seem harmless but may also negatively alter the way that you think about that guy. Only deal with facts and your thoughts/feelings.

For all y'all crazy people:

1. Feelings < Thoughts

Yes, feelings are strong, distracting, and overwhelming. They also should not dictate your decisions, your actions, or really much else. You must be the master of yourself and let reason prevail (also discipline).

You ought not do something or abstain from doing simply because of how you feel. Feelings are not a sufficient reason. They are too changeable, too selfish, and many times have very poor timing. Listen to your heart (your heart, in this case, is not your emotions, but that deeper love that leads you to deny yourself and sacrifice your desires for the good of others), consider the solid advice of the wise people in your life, and let your conscience be your guide.

By all means, factor your feelings into your decisions, but don't let them dominate your interior forum. Logic, humility, and self-denying love should always take precedence. Trust me, they'll keep you out of a lot of trouble. And of course, as a friend added, the goal is happiness, not just pleasure.

Well, that's all folks!

-T